Life In The Chaos

Explanations for the Unexplainable

2012-02-12T23:34:00.001-05:00

Last night after a quick trip (ahem) to Saginaw for a league play off game (for Jonah's hockey team...GO THRASHERS!!) We had pizza with some friends. And VERY good pizza it was. We got carry out from Frank's in Wyandotte. They are legend around these parts of the mitten for making some of the very best home made Italian food and boy did it hit the spot after a long day in the mini-van.

But that is not what I am blogging about tonight.

Because last night could have been like any other typical hockey game night. We could have ordered pizza, let the kids go crazy, visited and called it a night...

But on this particular night as we were just about out the door, well Joe was...

He had warmed up the van and bundled up the kids. He grabbed two of the three and headed out the door.

And as I made my way to the storm door, that was frosting and fogging up from the Michigan cold, my eyes were drawn upward to the top of the glass...

Shadows and light revealed the trees dancing on the hard surface in front of me but my eyes didn't see the winter barren branches...

Instead all I could see were thorns.

Thorns blazing and poking and twisting into a crown.

I mentioned this to my friends, the owners of the house and as soon as the words left my lips, knowing eyes and nodding heads explained how they were thinking the exact same thing.

His crown, we were all reminded of...

Our Savior...

And as we all looked back at the door, that storm door that had been wiped off just an hour earlier when the other guests had left.

We gazed into the glass that was beginning to create an image that would remind us all of a king who was pierced for our transgressions...

And we all see it, at the same time...

We see His hair and His beard...

Our earthly eyes take in His face, turned down with eyes closed and lips curled straight...

We see the image of Jesus melted into the frosted glass with shifting shadows. Crown of thorns large on his head...

My friend, she takes a picture trying to capture this miraculous manifestation on film.

We are all filled with peace and encouraged, our faith is deepened by this peculiar mystery.

I was amazed, aghast if you will...

But my eldest son Jonah, who was with me...

He didn't see the image. He was concerned and a bit nervous about the whole episode.

We say good night and make our way through the dark cold night back home.

And all the while I reassured him, spoke the words of truth in those little ears, eager to listen.

I tucked him in tight and whispered prayers and scratched his back.

And as I settled into bed I wondered if maybe he is a bit like I am most of the time when God shows up big?

Worried and concerned when the hand of God breaks through and reveals himself in a divine way.

Do I fret and question, second guess?

Do I search for logic and reason among the illogical, the unreasonable? ...instead of standing in awe at the mystery and marvelousness of a living, breathing, all-knowing God?

What a lesson I have learned to just "take it in" and stand amazed....

Sometimes there isn't an explanation for the unexplainable....

Five Minute Friday: Real

2012-02-03T23:18:00.000-05:00

Unmasked Uninhibited Unveiled friendship is always the best kind. Sharing the company of those beautiful souls who love you unconditionally and without fail can be REAL humbling. REAL, true friends are never a dime a dozen. They are always a sacred treasure. How thankful I am for these stripped down to the bone REAL friendships that have been gifted to me from a REAL God who understands every square inch of this REAL life of mine. And for that I am REALLY grateful!!

Five Minute Friday: VIVID

2012-01-20T23:18:00.002-05:00

On Fridays around these parts we stop, drop, and write.

For fun, for love of the sound of words, for play, for delight, for joy and celebration at the art of communication.

For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just writewithout worrying if it’s just right or not.

Won’t you join us?

3. Most important: comment and encourage the person who linked up before you.

OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes on:

Vivid…

GO:

I watch from the stands as my 8 year old and his team etch treads in the white ice and dance with sticks in hands toward the play. The puck they are after is actually blue, the lighter one the younger ones use. But I can't make that out from the bleachers under the warmth of the orange-hued old time heater running above our heads. It's already the 3rd period and I realize that I have forgotten to slide on my glasses. The game has been blurred and my eyes have been squinted tight for the last 45 minutes probably creasing extra lines in my already aging skin. After I slide them on I sigh, thinking how much more VIVID and crisp everything is and kicking myself for not remembering the spectacles in the first place.

And how often in my life do I forget to look through the proper lenses. Whether I am taking in one of my precious little one's games or just experiencing life in general. How important it is to shift our gaze through the proper lens of grace instead of pride. Remembering that we are all works in progress and none of us have arrived. Tonight I am thankful for the reminder that life can be much more VIVID when pride isn't blurring the scenery.

STOP

Shall We Dance?

2012-01-16T00:14:00.001-05:00

Ayla (Winter 09)

We finally have snow back! I haven't missed you too much but I must admit that I do enjoy your brightening smile!

Tonight, after Jonah's hockey game we ventured 6 doors down the street to the kids' Gaga and Papa's (my parents') house for dinner. How sad is it that I can't even remember the last time we have done this?

Don't misunderstand, we are very close but have resorted to usually gathering around our table instead of theirs...

Gaga and Papa's Christmas Brunch table

We begin the night with Ayla and Gaga performing interpretive Celtic dance, costumes and all. The two of them made me smile from ear to ear and Ayla is destined to be on stage one day! She is the most serious dancing 4 year old I have ever laid eyes on!

After soup was swallowed and cobbler was gobbled I found myself curled in front of the fire. As I tucked my socked up feet under me next to the glowing flames shifting on the yellowed wooden floor,

my mind drifts back in time some 28 years ago when each of those pine floor boards were laid and shellacked by my dad's hands. As the fire flickers into a dance on the knotted planks, I glance at his hard working hands across the dimly lit room.... Those hands that used to be stained with hot tar and smelled of GoJo soap at the end of a long day. Those hands that never felt calloused or overworked when they rubbed my eyes as he would tuck me in tight every night...Those hands that guided me down the aisle to my groom almost 14 years ago and held onto me as we danced to "Sunrise Sunset" at our reception. Those humble hands that were now holding my little girl, just like they held me when I was her age.

I look around the room and count my blessings as we take turns rolling dice and playing a game together. I shift my eyes over the other way and catch a glimpse of my love. Memories of sitting in front of this very same hearth and dreaming of a future with him...all of those years ago, pour into my mind.

We were so young, the world at our feet and opportunity knocking hard for many different roads to take...

And as the fire blazes hot I realize how glad I am that we chose to dance together in this life. As I breathe in the beauty of the moment, tears of gratitude fill and spill over. Our argument from the night before has blurred and faded black as love glows warmly, winning once again.

Micah giggles and Ayla shakes the Yahtzee cup loud and Jonah marks the score and my heart has been mightily marked once again with this deep love that could only have been sent from above.

I remember toes toddling the rug and recall changing pads gracing the floor of the family room now filled with adolescent giggles. And now we are all enjoying a game that we can actually play together. And time flies and babies sprout up fast and furious but memories etch deep so I grasp onto this moment and tuck it away in my heart as I pack up the game. And as I shut the red box I open my heart for more as I make a vow to make more time to join in and dance with them in these cherished moments.

Papa and Jonah

And we come home to cluttered counters and piled shoes and I feel the panic stir a bit. I bite it back hard and step over a mini-stick. I tell them all three again that we will play more games tomorrow. I even ask them to remind me of my promise so I can't change my mind when I wake up to Mt. Everest piling up in the laundry room. And hopefully tomorrow some new memories will be made that one day they will all three be able to look back upon. And when they do, I pray they will recollect the beauty of the dance we shared in that moment.

Gifts

2012-01-08T17:09:00.000-05:00

I always love the beginning of a new year.

Fresh starts and clean slates are always associated with January 1st.

And now the second week of 2012 is here and the old is creeping up on the new.

The same old cravings are still lurking in corners.

Morning smiles have slowly faded into rushed mundane routines.

But buried underneath all of my constant hangups....laying down deep right next to that anger and impatience, resides a sure hope.
A flicker that sometimes requires a bit of unveiling to get to.
And as the layers are painfully peeled back a bit, the strength of hope bursts through.

And the more I try to change and do it all by myself the more I come up short.
Without HIM, I fail every time.
The most important thing for me to do is humble myself before HIM.
Open up my hands and receive this grace under my nose.
And appreciate this gift.
Because all of these gifts in my life are from HIM.
Recognizing this and tracking them help me remember this unmerited favor.
And as I search among the monotonousness of daily routine an undeniable peace saturates the dark corners of my soul.

As I journal these 1000 Gifts
a sense of renewal begins to replace my ingratitude.
I can feel a spiritual awakening that I can't deny.
A heart changing as I pen each gift, small or large.

And my fears, my failures will remain with me but what good news that the slate won't be filled with those.
In counting and gathering these gifts I can't help but be reminded that my slate has been wiped clean.
I can't help but be grateful for a fresh start and a forgiven heart.

Start counting with me here:
http://onethousandgifts.com/

2011 Recapped

2011-12-31T11:31:00.002-05:00

Remembering this past year and looking forward to many more beautiful memories to create in 2012!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Purging

2011-12-29T23:00:00.001-05:00

Tonight Ayla and I cleaned out her bedroom. We purged of old toys and organized the left overs and added in the new Christmas gifts.

Unlike me, Ayla has no problem making room for the new and saying good bye to the old.

On more than one occasion this evening I had to ask her over again if she was sure that she didn't want to hold on to a certain item. I mean what if she wanted it on a rainy day? Or even worse, what if she regretted making a quick decision to toss a trinket that could one day be a treasure?

If she were at all like her mama, she would be torn over parting with her belongings and be frazzled and worried about where she was going to stash them making sure it was somewhere hidden like a drawer or closet that could be pushed shut tight in a crunch situation like unexpected guests...

After my sweet husband took down the donation bags to the garage for me, I decided to dust the cobwebs out of the corners of the ceilings and off of the overhead lights. A simple task I haven't tackled in (ahem....) 4 years!

And as I was ridding my high corners of sticky cobwebs an all too familiar section of scripture popped into this not-so-natural-blonde head of mine...

Matthew 6:19-21

¹⁹ “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. ²⁰ But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. ²¹ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

This scripture has been in my head also because...

In October we came home from a hockey weekend away and noticed quite a few moths in our house. Over the next few weeks they multiplied and were EVERYWHERE!!! We got some moth traps and I cleaned out my cupboards but every night we would continue to see them flying around. I finally got some moth balls and that seemed to help. (Thank you God, even if the smell of mothballs is HORRIFIC!!!)

I continued to clean out corners...

And it dawned on me that...

I want to hold on to this comfortable life of mine all too often grasping at empty pleasures that I stash away and hide, shoving in stuffed drawers and closets busting at the seams when I feel the presence of God show up unexpectedly in my life.

And what am I holding onto? This life and all of it's hoarding and stashing are just diversions and obstacles that seem to trip me up constantly. Whether I am pushing my pride in a corner or hiding a habit in the closet. I need to purge and say good bye to certain things that I am hoarding. I need to tie them up tight in a garbage bag and donate them right at the feet of the only One in whom there is true freedom!

Because there are new mercies waiting to fill up all of that empty space that has been freed up in the deep dark closets of my soul!

As this year comes to a close and a new one is approaching I hope to cling hard and fast to the unfailing love of a God who never gives up on anyone but continually shows up in the shadows and corners of each and every life flooding His never-ending light into every nook and cranny and exposing only Himself and the grace that He alone offers!

Exalt or Insult?

2011-12-09T23:14:00.000-05:00

Dimmed lights and lit candles flicker glowing yellow and brightening up the dark house as the snow flurries dance lightly out the window.

It's my favorite time of day...a quieted house and our family gathered around the table celebrating advent together, rejoicing and anticipating the coming of Christ, remembering His immaculate conception and entrance into a lost and dying world.

Reflecting on our sin, my sin and thanking Him for His amazing grace.

That's the picture I have in my mind. The children are all quiet and deer-eyed, waiting to praise and learn and hold onto their siblings' hands tight as they bow their heads and pray perfectly....

HAHAHAHA!!! LOL!!! (and I mean belly-deep!!)

Instead, I tell them all that we are going to light the candle. It's time to gather and reflect...

They all come running but they are arguing over who gets to light the candle...who gets to blow it out...

As they take their seats, more arguments over who is touching who and dirty looks are blazing back and forth and my perfect little advent time isn't turning out quite so perfect after all...

They argue over who gets to move the donkey with Mary carrying the Christ child in her belly...they almost catch on fire reaching and pulling back and forth over the lit candles.

Eyes are rolling and I am trying to take deep breaths but my heart is racing as my picture perfect vision quickly blurs into this flawed reality of my painted life.

And unfortunately my beating heart escalates and I don't bite my tongue but bite hard with loud words, begging everyone just to behave and be kind and not so quietly tell (yell) at all to "BE QUIET!"

And briefly the mood turns more reverent as the children glance at the glowing ember...

I say a few words, and reference a quick verse or two and end in a song.

We sing "WE EXA---LT THEE" over a few times...

Micah starts to sing,

"THIS INSU---LTS ME," instead...

Instead of the right words and I lose it on him...right there over the lit advent candles...I DEMAND respect...

Not only to me but to our God (who we happen to be exalting, mind you)...

And all hush quiet around the table but my heart wells with grief and guilt as this picture absorbs a much darker hue than anticipated in the first place.

And I can't help but wonder if maybe what I think might be exalting really just may be insulting to my God after all...

Because when I control and try to turn all to exalt under my own pretenses and not His...that is probably just an insult...

When am I going to change me from the inside out?

When am I going to exalt instead of insult?

And He reminds me that in Him and Him alone, the Christ child made flesh and who dwelt among us and who died and was raised from the dead three days later and is now alive and living in all who believe...

He provides the power to exalt instead of insult.

Him and Him alone...and tonight I choose to cling hard and fast on just that...

Gratitude and Contentment

2011-11-21T21:18:00.001-05:00

Gratitude and contentment are kin to one another.

Most of the time they go hand and hand.

Lately I have been flooded with guilt that has morphed into discontentment and in turn has bound up my lips...my heart... from thankfulness.

Instead I have been questioning why I have so much when so many have so little...

Why do my children have access to medication, doctors, hospitals....when so many in this world go without?

Why do I not only have a piping hot dinner every night, but one that consists of whatever my palate is desiring that certain day...when people are hungry for any type of food?

When I have the choice of beverage whether it be an expensive wine or a diet cola...and others are choking on dry tongues, longing for clean water to quench their thirst?

And this guilt is kind of a disguise for discontentment that partners with a type of ingratitude that lurks and masks itself as unworthiness or even humility.

But when stripped down and standing unclothed in the light of truth...ingratitude is exposed and has no chance of faking its way into a different appearance.

And the words of Paul breathed by the God of the universe written in the book of Philippians, chapter 4, strike a nerve down deep:

'for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.'

Paul had lived with plenty and he had lived in want. He understood both sides of the coin. With and without...

And God has fed me this Word of His tonight and filled me up with enough reminding me to be satisfied in ALL circumstances of my life. When I have plenty and when I am in dire need of basic necessities.

The guilt has been replaced with a grateful heart that is content with enough.

And I am not encouraging or condoning hoarding material wealth.

What I would like to convey is that God has placed me in this life, this well-fed, soaped and shampooed up hydrated life...

...and so much of the time, lately especially, I have been consumed with this immobilizing guilt that never goes away... even after signing the check that not only feeds those hungry stomachs but also nourishes empty souls with the living bread of life that gives eternal hope.

Tonight I am letting go. I am going to choose to live in the freedom that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

And tonight I am asking Him to grant me the gift of contentment as I hand over the guilt and instead thank Him for ALL situations!!

Harmonious Compositions

2011-11-14T20:44:00.001-05:00

My husband made a comment about someone the other day.

"That woman has 'Hurried Mother Syndrome', " He says.

And I'm not sure if that really is a condition or not...

It very well could be. He would know since he has sold prescription drugs for many different disorders the last several years. But I didn't even bother to ask him if he was kidding or being serious.

All I thought was that I certainly hope and pray that I don't have "Hurried Mother Syndrome".

At least not to the extent that people notice (for goodness sake).

But those simple words uttered out of those lips that I know all too well has struck a chord that rings loud.

And the sound of that clashing instrument beats deep within... reminding me that I am, beyond a reasonable doubt, living with this horrible disease.

And the melody most definitely isn't appealing or even the least bit desirable.

Instead the notes are pounded out creating more of an ear-piercing noise. A wretched sound that puts the worst jazz to shame.

And with this in the front of my mind, I wake up to morning chaos, scrambling as usual but with a bit more self-awareness...maybe even a bit of conviction in my tread.

And I find myself hurrying the kids out the door because they have a REALLY hard time staying on task.

But I am so much more aware now of the type of music I want to dance to in my daily routines with the children.

And I was reminded this morning that much of the time, most of the time, I end up hurrying them when I have been the worst culprit by fitting in too much in too little time.

Most of the time, I don't give enough time.

I am playing triplet notes instead of whole notes, trying to fit in more than I have allotted time for, squishing more than one measure can hold.

And my lack of practice all too often results in a frazzled hurried mother pointing a wrong finger at an innocent child.

I rush through the music in front of me.

I bang it out in the wrong key.

I take my eyes and ears off of the music.

But tonight I am so thankful for the light that has been shone brightly on each and every harmonious note laid out in front of me.

This beautiful composition named "Motherhood" stands upright against the dark wooden music stand called life...

And tonight the writing has been clearly written by my divine God who spoke through my better half who didn't even realize what impact he was making as I read what He was saying...

And sometimes the light is dimmed and the notes aren't clear and that is when I just fill in and play by ear...

But many times the writing is clear and flooded with light and my job is to play as written...

And this, my friend, is one of those times....

Five Minute Friday: Unexpected

2011-11-11T23:49:00.001-05:00

For only five short, bold, beautiful minutes. Unscripted and unedited. We just writewithout worrying if it’s just right or not.

Won’t you join us?

Most importantly: leave a comment for the person who linked up before you – encouraging them in their writing!

OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes on:

Unexpected…

GO:

I am a planner. I planned each one of my three pregnancies. I plan our family vacation every year. I like to know the plan and not be blind-sided however, some of the best times in life are often those that are unanticipated, unplanned and UNEXPECTED.

Whether it be the breath being taken from my lungs as a dramatic sunrise canvases my front window or a simple smile curled on the lips of one of those three cherished beings who call me mama.

It could be an UNEXPECTED win with 22 seconds left in a Pee Wee travel hockey game where 2 amazing goals are scored shorthanded (because of a penalty) and the other team has pulled their goalie making the competition 6 on 4 and two different players break out and score, back to back and we hold them bringing on a VICTORY!!

Mundane routines sprinkled with UNEXPECTED events often confirm and remind me that this peace that passes all understanding is actively alive and working in all circumstances.

It could be as simple as hearing my girl sing her heart out and taking me somewhere over the rainbow at 6:30 am after she crawled and sprawled her way into my bed taking what little is left of my imagination far above the chimney tops...I totally did not EXPECT to go to the land of Oz so early this morning, but I sure am glad that I did!!

I love these UNEXPECTED moments!!

STOP

Gathering 'Round Really Does Make A Difference...

2011-10-26T07:39:00.000-04:00

Lately I've begun to realize something: Living a chaotic life helps me appreciate the moments when we aren't running. Our free nights are few and far between and lately, when we are graced with one, I have been enjoying turning off the television, computer and video games and sitting down to a candlelit dinner with our little family.

This was mostly prompted by my cousin giving me my grandma's old dining room table. I just love sliding on the benches and gathering around the darkly stained and varnished piece of wood that stands on my wood floors and reminds me of my childhood. I spent many Christmases piled around that trestle table squished between two of my nine cousins or two sisters feasting on a family smorgasbord.

And that same happiness and joy of being a child on Christmas day fills me up as I light the candle tapers and set the table.

We gather 'round and I grasp small hands next to me as we offer thanks to our Provider.

The warmth of the soup runs through me and this treasured moment with my little family pours warmth into me as well.

Children are chattering and slurping and every bit is music to my ears.

These sacred times together are much too few and far between but these same moments help get me through the chaos and the running.

And sometimes when I'm having a really bad day or just feeling overwhelmed, I remember times like these and I cling to them tight and it helps. Almost like the focal point that I went to in my mind when I was in labor with my 2nd and 3rd children (unfortunately I didn't know about the technique for Jonah...that would have been nice).

And sometimes life gets that intense, just like I'm back in the delivery room panicked and in pain with all of the unknowns pressing in from all sides...

...When there aren't enough minutes in the day or I just don't have the motivation to get it done, even if there were.

...When fears creep that I have crushed their sweet spirits because of careless words tossed from my fast tongue into their tiny ears.

...When the guilt rises high all over and failure floods ferociously.

...When inadequacy chimes loud, clanging hard in my ears.

...Or when I am lonely because work called him out of town, again...And not only am missing his company, I am missing his help!

That is when I can close my eyes and remember our special moments around that warmly lit dining room table.

I can see twinkling eyes and curled up lips.

I can hear high-pitched voices sharing sports stats and Cinderella stories.

I can taste simmered soup and can feel my my sweetie's toes finding mine under the table.

And all of this remembering helps remind me to make sure that we never stop making time to shut off the noise so we can really hear one another.

BEYOND: Five Minute Friday

2011-10-22T00:33:00.002-04:00

Linking up with Lisa Jo from www.thegypsymama.com...

On Fridays around these parts we stop, drop, and write.

We write bold and beautiful and free. Unscripted and unedited. We just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.

Won’t you join us?

Most importantly: leave a comment for the person who linked up before you – encouraging them in their writing!

OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes on:

Beyond…

GO:

"To infinity and BEYOND!" my boys used to yell these words with their sweet little toddler voices dressed up in their buzz lightyear costumes. And now I think of that same phrase every single time I tell each one of my three children that I love them..."How much?" they ask..."To infinity and beyond!" I answer...

BEYOND....The BEYOND...the unknown...

I think of the Holy Trinity and how understanding of it is BEYOND my human capabilities, Father, Son and Holy Spirit...three separate persons yet one in the same...I also think of eternity or the idea that God was here forever before He breathed life into existence. It is all just BEYOND my understanding...

What gives me hope is that my God, who was and always has been and always will be....is the definition of wisdom in it's truest and purest form and with that being said He understands and knows EVERYTHING BEYOND a resonable doubt because He has spoken it into existense in the first place.

He knows intricately each detail His paintbrush strokes because He is the artist...and even though the masterpiece is BEYOND my understanding....because I haven't been allowed to take in the whole big picture...I know that He is the most brilliant painter that ever was or ever will be....BEYOND a reasonable doubt...

And one day when I have the chance to step back and steal a glimpse of the whole mural I will be blown away, 'To infinity and BEYOND!!!"

STOP

Anger Management

2011-10-10T11:46:00.003-04:00

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday. Joe even brought me coffee and breakfast upstairs and I still was crabby. I was irritated that it was such a beautiful day and Jonah had an away hockey scrimmage late afternoon. I wanted to go out to a nice apple orchard and enjoy a family day, not be stuck in a freezing ice rink. Joe's the coach, the one who scheduled the stinking thing and I was irritated. Not only that we had to freeze on a nice day but also because Jonah and him would miss part of church. We decided to make a quick trip to a local one anyway and on the way I was still boiling, and bickering with Joe.

Anger was rising up from down deep and spilling out of my mouth.

All of a sudden it left, just as quick and swift as it came.

We ended up having a nice time at the orchard and enjoyed lunch at one of our favorite places nearby.

I decided to skip the hockey game and take Micah and Ayla to the park.

On the way home we stopped for ice-cream.

We sat out on a picnic table and as I was inhaling my pumpkin pie blizzard a cute young couple walk right by us and stand in line. They seemed happy and smiley and as they gazed our way, Ayla decides to ask me a question directly in their earshot,

"Mama, why were you so angry today?"

"Angry, when was I angry?"

Warm flames of red flash fast on my cheeks as the couple look at one another lips curling into grins.

"You know when you were angry at daddy in the car this morning?"

They turn around, probably embarrassed for me as I fumble for an answer and I secretly wish that I could shrink down and jump into my whipped ice-cream and hide.

And as I mumble something back to appease her and cover up my embarrassment, I realize God is showing me something loud and clear.

Not only that my kids hear and pick up on everything but that He knows exactly how to teach me a lesson.

And not only do I learn something new I am also just in awe of Him. How He cares enough for me to reveal things like this in my life.

Sometimes life lessons are hard...they can embarrass...they can hurt.

But how thankful I am to have a God who loves me so much that He cares about what kind of person I am, what kind of wife I am, what kind of mother I am.

He cares enough to get through to me exactly as my unique personality requires.

He knows how to teach like no other, how to make it absorb.

Proverbs 29:11
NIVA fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
NLTFools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.
ESVA fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

Keep me quiet Lord and help me not to vent my anger. Help me to remember that my mouth speaks loudly what is deep in my heart. Give me a pure heart today.

Five Minute Friday: FRIENDS

2011-09-30T23:29:00.002-04:00

Around here we write for five minutes flat on Fridays.

We write because we want to, not because we have to. We write for fun, for joy, for discovery.

We just write without worrying if it’s just write or not.

Won’t you join us?

Go a little overboard encouraging the writer who linked up before you.

OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes:

On FRIENDS:

GO:

It's a listening ear who never has too much noise in her life for me.

It's a helping hand always reaching and giving in unselfish ways, teaching me to love and reach out to those around me...

It's a shoulder to cry on (even when the tears are filled with hormones)...

It's a conversation that ends with communion of prayer, understanding that "where two or more are gathered in my name..."

Mere acquaintance turned into unexpected, unanticipated deep friendship with a woman who has much in common, raising three children, running around, feeling pulled in every direction...oh how we relate!

A friendship that is more than skin deep and a kinship that is bonded through faith.

A relationship blessed and granted by Him and Him alone, who hears all my prayers.

Him who makes every hole...WHOLE in Himself alone by satisfying my deepest desire to have a close girlfriend to do LIFE with.

Tonight I thank the "GOD who sees me" who fills every crack and crevice in my broken life and I give him the glory for this friendship.

STOP

There is so much more I would love to write about friends.

God has granted me with my two sisters who will always be my friends if they like me or not..they still have to love me, right? And two sister-in-laws who I love deep.

He has also blessed me with my life-long friend, who even though still doesn't live down and across the street, her parents do and I get to wake up every morning and look out my front window to her childhood home that I spent many a night in...I think of her most days, how she and I bonded in Junior High when we both felt so alone and out of place. I think about how God sent her to me, and I to her...and how he has kept us in touch after all these years...I think of all of the movie lines we had memorized and code names we signed on our notes and how all of that is so near and dear to me...how she is so dear to me, how I love her....

And I think about my other friend who moved to another state a few years back and how I thought my heart was going to break when she did, how it did break...I think of our kidless memories and the good times we shared, Joe and I and her and her husband...Young and full of life and dreams and how we enjoyed being together much of the time. How rare it is for two couples to "click". I miss our nights eating "bear claw" ice cream and watching the "X-Files". But most of all I miss the years that passed when we got busy raising families and working jobs and not getting together enough when they were here.

I cherish my phone conversations and sporadic meetings in person with both...I want to make sure not to ever stop these get-togethers!

True friendships are hard to come by in this world where most are out to gain for themselves. I have learned to hold on tight and make every effort to stay in touch with those I call dearly loved because life can steam roll over meaningful friendships and time can pass quickly and before too long days can turn into months that turn into years...

So hold those friendships near and dear and nurture them, so they can grow into something beautiful.

Simply Enough

2011-09-29T21:37:00.000-04:00

I hear the music to this song echoing off of the walls in the bathroom as the shower runs hard and fast.

Joe turns up the stereo and the boys walk on their hands and flip upside down and it sounds like they are going to bust through the ceiling as I wipe off left-over dinner crumbs underneath them all.

The water spills as the music blares as the boys pound and my patience thins all at the same time.

I had asked him to get Ayla ready for bed and had sent the boys up to read, not to do gymnastics.

General Mama storms up the stairs and breaks up the bash yet once again.

And as I turn the music down and make my way down the hall to settle the boys down to bed, my spirits fall down as well.

And not only because I was enforcing my mama-police duties but also because I let the anger creep up and overwhelm and have allowed it to overflow out onto the family yet once again...

And poor Joe was having a moment with the boys, sharing a song special to his heart and a story about a cousin who could walk clear across the driveway on his hands...

And I stomped up all puffed up and chirp in and ruin it...

And the guilt fills and spills thick.

And I turn it over as the words of the song strike a chord in my soul,,,

"All I want for you is to be satisfied"

And that is what I want for my children, for my family, for myself...

To be satisfied with "enough"

"Not to (as the song says) lust for rich mans gold (but to remember that) all you need is in your soul."

And I think about a blog I read a little while back about "Enough" click here

Those words typed and his song sang and Joe's favorite song all resounding loud help me focus on the important...issues of the heart.

And as I settle into bed I refuse to allow myself to be swallowed up by guilt but instead I agree to be saturated in thanks.

Because tonight I am satisfied with "enough".

Five Minute Friday: Growing

2011-09-24T00:55:00.002-04:00

Today isn't actually Friday, the late hour has turned to Saturday...But I am still linking up with Lisa Jo at www.thegypsymama.com for Five-Minute Friday....

Today's subject GROWING

Go:

The clock reads a bit after midnight as we carry and lead the children in the dark house. We come home late night, stars bright...sky dark after a warm visit with friends who are more like family...The chill of autumn nips at bare arms and bites a bit but in a good way, we are home...

I had told Micah that I found his baby blankets earlier today in the attic while I was looking for something...He begs me to get them for him. I tell him that they are dusty, would aggravate his asthma...He pleads with me that he just wants to see them...

So I tell my sweet middle child, who keeps mostly to himself and is so much like his mama-this middle sister, that I will get them for him...just to glance at before his eyelids shut and he dreams deep...

I flick the light on in the garage and pull down the chord to the attic....

As I climb each wooden length I recollect the tiny baby I held in my arms 8 and a half years ago...

He was so bright eyed and chubby-cheeked...my precious Micah...who resides quietly in the middle, sandwiched between siblings...oh how I can relate....

And as I grab the dusty blankets in my hands memories flash of the day we brought him home from the hospital...

His big brother, Jonah was 2 years and five months...

He begged us to bring Micah directly into his playroom and after we did, asked us to take him out...he thought that his new playmate was gonna start to play right then and there...

And as I gather the blankets in my arms, these thoughts are fluttering...

I carefully make my way down the ladder and back in the house...

I tip toe upstairs and into his room making my way up another ladder and whisper..."are you still awake?"

He pops up, all bright eyed as I flick the switch..."Yes!!!"

He's been waiting...and I show him the blankets and he smiles big...cheek to cheek that are not so chubby anymore...

I tell him that I'll wash them tonight, he can have them tomorrow and he hugs me and falls down fast...

And as I make my way down the ladder of his bunk bed, I think about my sweet boy and how fast he has sprouted...growing up right in front of me, so rapidly...

And my heart swells...grows with love overflowing...

He and his big brother are best buddies and favorite playmates...it's all more than I could ever ask for...

And all too quickly he has turned 8 and a half... and I hold onto this love and turn it into a thanks to my Creator, my Lord who is the gardener, the one who waters my soul and grows this mama's heart up tall...

Stop

Five Minute Friday Check it out!!

Five Minute Friday: JOY

2011-09-16T07:23:00.001-04:00

www.gypsymama.com

JOY

Go:

When my husband Joe was a little boy, he was called Joey...

He thought the words to the song "Joy to the world" were about him..."Joey to the world"

and even though the song was originally written about Christ and the joy and good tidings he has brought by coming into this world.

And even though I believe that same Christ is the one who brings all joy to my soul...

I believe that he has gifted me with a deep down fulfillment in my partner who I still refer to as "Joey" and will until the day death do us part.

Whether it's the mundane everyday routine of our lives or the mountaintop (or should I say hilltop) experiences we share...

God has blessed me with this joy in my Joey that I will never grow tired and will always return to at the end of each day, as long as we share the breath of this life here on earth.

So thank you God above for my Joey, my joy...

STOP

Last weekend we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary in beautiful northern Michigan and I felt a piece of heaven as we took in the gorgeous sunrise together...

Filled to Overflowing

2011-09-08T22:56:00.000-04:00

Tonight I washed a few potatoes and sliced them skinny layering them in a baking dish.

As I cut into the second to last one I realized the whole potato wouldn't fit in the glass pan.

Half of the potato was wasted and normally I would just toss it in the trash without thinking twice.

But tonight, I stopped dead in my tracks and almost lost it in the middle of preparing dinner for my family who never skips a meal let alone goes a whole day without food.

Images of starving children worldwide filled my mind as I held the wet halved root vegetable in my hand, this hand that has never been empty of any of life's needs.

I thought of Sajin, our sponsored child in India (through Compassion) and glanced at the picture we received last week in the mail of him with his new birthday present he was able to buy from the money we sent.

No it wasn't a bike, or a game system or a pair of customized Reebok Zig Techs...No, Sajin didn't receive the latest and greatest sought after items like my spoiled children do...like I do...

Instead, Sajin bought a goat and her kid for his birthday present from us.

My heart is heavy and my hand is filled with much, too much...

This life we live and all of our stuff...overfilled stomachs, overfilled house, overfilled garage...

And Sajin gets a goat and kid for a birthday.

Who am I to ever be dissatisfied and ungrateful?

Who am I not to dig deeper and give more?

Not only monetarily but also of my time?

The words of a Keith Green song are ringing loudly tonight

"To obey is better than sacrifice, I don't want your money I want your life"

And I hand my guilt over to my God in Heaven whose hand will never let go and never give up on me...but who will always remind me that this life is not my own...

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. – Matthew 16:24-25

Afraid of Heights

2011-09-04T23:28:00.000-04:00

I am afraid of heights.

As I have aged and joined the ranks of motherhood this fear has increased.

It's a wonder that I'm the daughter of a roofer, who spent much of his adulthood tarring pitch on tops of buildings and climbing ladders up, up, up...

That fear and so many more have amplified these last number of years.

The other night we took the kids to a new play area and the boys spotted the webbed climbing net from the road...

They couldn't wait to climb...

They must take after their Papa...

Joe went down to cast a line in the canal and I plopped on the bench and opened the

new read I couldn't wait to dive into that was just delivered to my door a few hours prior.

Butterflies flutter in my gut as I glance up at Jonah, already up to the top...

And as I skim the pages in my new read, as panic tries to rear it's ugly head...I see these words black and bold printed right under my nose,

"I see a woman teetering on a tightrope, holding a long pole as she tries to balance herself in light of the truth of God. It takes concentration, it takes work and it takes a whole lot of faith....Situations come up and cause us to tip a little, and we cry out in fear. We often feel like just as we get it figured out, the wire begins to shake and we have to adjust it all over again. ....What are we depending on when we start to tip?"

I glance over at Ayla she is balancing...reaching out and grabbing at the pole before she cautiously steps to the little platform

And the words I am reading are now visual as I picture myself carefully reaching and balancing, ...

and I am inspired to reach up in faith to my Heavenly Father as I take my next step...

And a bit of courage bursts through as I jump to my feet and run up to the web. I am heedful as I step up but nevertheless I climb rope by rope all the way to the top!

Invigorated and feeling like a kid again as I take in the view...

Maybe I did inherit a bit of my daddy in me after all...

Five Minute Friday (REST)

2011-09-02T08:26:00.000-04:00

It's FRIDAY!! Join in if you will http://thegypsymama.com/

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

3. Go a little overboard encouraging the writer who linked up before you.

GO:

The subject: REST

Today is the third day we have risen before sunrise to a dark quiet house.

And even though my eyes are stinging and my body is tired, my soul finds REST.

I REST in each red word that my eyes strain to read.

"Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it"

I let it penetrate deep as we hold hands and come before our Lord in prayer, together, seeking Him in the dawn.

We decided to wake early and ask Him what His will is for our lives.

Coffee drips as His Holy Spirit filters these words as they soak deep.

And I REST-assured in His promise to find life in Him when I surrender all of my life...

STOP

Look At Me

2011-08-31T23:32:00.000-04:00

Today I rolled out of bed early.

I promised him that I would and it was all my bright idea. To wake up before the crack of dawn together and seek Him out.

I didn't even hear the alarm but instead woke to the yellow glaring light he had flicked on in the bathroom.

How I am NOT a morning person. It takes everything in me to get out of bed at a normal hour and I think to myself how this is insane but stand firm on my word and plant my feet on the cream plush carpet almost begrudgingly and arise.

I stumble down the creaky stairway and find him sitting there, looking at his phone and almost roll my eyes until I come closer and realize that he is reading scripture on it.

He tells me how he woke up, right before the alarm went off, from a dream.

In the dream, he tells me,

There was a hand reaching out and water around and he was fearful but the man behind the hand urged him and spoke...

"Don't look left or right...LOOK AT ME!"

and then he awoke...moments before the alarm...

He immediately thought of the story in Matthew of Peter walking on the water.

And that's what he was reading on his phone when I almost rolled my eyes at him.

He reads it for me...

Matthew 14:26-32 (NIV)

²⁶ When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
²⁷ But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
²⁹ “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
³² And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.

And as I let the words, this bread of life, in...a chill runs through my veins and out my skin, goosebumps all over...

We woke early to seek and He speaks...

And we are listening with ears perked out because He has shown up BIG...

And I don't doubt now...

My faith has been increased...

I know we can walk on water, if we look to Him, not to the wind or the storms of life, not left or right but straight on ahead to Him...

I am encouraged, we both are! Our eyes are straight ahead...

But the question isn't:

"Will we walk on water?"

He has assured us that we will, if we look to Him...not left, not right...

and He has enabled us this morning in the early hours of the day as the children still dream fast asleep to do just that... look to HIM...

The question is:

"Will we get out of the boat?"

Casting Fear at His Feet

2011-08-23T11:10:00.001-04:00

Cool dry days and chilly evenings are upon us.

The One who holds the universe is harkening back autumn once again.

Crisp dry woods burn and scent the air with that nostalgic campfire aroma.

Our local high school greens uphold cleated feet, tackled teens and marching boots, all gearing up and getting ready for that first Friday night under the bright lights.

Memories flood of those swift and fast days of my youth whenever this season is drawing near.

Somewhere deep but not too far gone is that young girl filled with fears of walking into the crowded lunchroom, tray in hand, looking for a place to sit...throat dry and stomach fluttering...scanning, praying to find a familiar friendly face with an empty space open so her biggest fear of eating alone won't come to fruition in high school as had happened much too often in middle school.

Not too far gone is the girl who worries way too often what others think...

Nerves still flutter in social situations...

The "pleaser" who pretended to like liverwurst so her mama would praise her "easiness" still frantically seeks approval...

Much of the time mulling over many words spilled out in conversations...

And now my little ones, these beings who have filled this hollowed heart to overflowing, will be trekking gym floors with lunch trays in hands.

And this gift of motherhood pushes me to hard places as I worry about their hearts breaking and personalities pleasing others...

But His Word reminds me:

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."(Phil. 4:6-7 NLT)

And so I throw my worries, my needs at the feet of the Creator of the Universe who holds our lives in the palm of His hand and offer thanksgiving for this new season drawing near, even if it is a hard thanks...because I know that His peace will guard my every fear...

Five Minute Friday (NEW)

2011-08-20T00:23:00.000-04:00

It's Friday again and I have been enjoying these five minute posts that Lisa-Jo over at thegypsymama.com has been encouraging a bunch of us bloggers to participate in....

Get a little crazy with encouragement for the five minuter who linked up before you.

Today the subject is:

NEW

Go:

Gazing at a newborn baby fresh out of the womb does something to a woman. Something unexplainable....

Everything is pure, untouched, not blemished with the polluted world yet...

The freshness of smooth, undamaged, flawless skin and all that goes with that is beautiful...

I long to hold each one of my three children for the first time, just once more...taking in every bit of untouched newness...

I think that is the closest thing to pureness that I have ever attained...

Yet Christ has made me just that...

New...Unstained, pure and Unblemished through Him and Him only...

He has taken this old, used-up heap of worn-down flesh and turned every bit of it into a newborn being...

"He makes all things new" And tonight I am thanking Him for re-creating my messed up, worn-down, haggard old self into someone brand new!!!

STOP

Laundry Lessons

2011-08-16T00:29:00.001-04:00

Yesterday as I was putting a dent in the mountain of clothes in my laundry room and fretting over yet another sports commitment for one of the children, it hit me straight and hard...

ENJOY every moment of their childhood...

I was reminded in a new way that "this too will surely pass..."

and all too quickly time will slow down and my laundry will be caught up....

and there won't be any baseball pants soaking in stain remover...

or ferocious smells of hockey equipment lingering in the air...

and there will be no leotards or adorable tiny tights scattering our wooden floors...

So ENJOY these moments!!

Cherish the smiles and the trophies...

Enjoy the recitals and the tournaments...

Treasure time as a taxi-driver, because it's time with them...

....the laundry can wait!!!

Micah's favorite pastime...shooting pucks!

Micah at a tournament

Jonah with his "Andy Greene-signed stick" on the last day of the NHL player's hockey camp...look at that smile!

Jonah's team and coach encouraging him as he pitched!

Sweet Ayla in her ballet class.

1st place (at a tournament) Trenton Travelers!!!

Coach Dad

Beauty (Five Minute Friday)

2011-08-12T20:47:00.001-04:00

Write your words without editing them.

Tell your readers you’re linking up here and invite them to come and share their unedited stories too.

And most importantly, go visit, read, and compliment the person who shared right before you.

Easy peasy. OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes for the prompt:

BEAUTY

GO:

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or so the saying goes.

What am I beholding today? What do I define as beauty?

Do I look for the outward shell? Judging a book by it's cover?

Most of the time, I have to admit that I do.

But true beauty lies much deeper than skin deep.

True beauty is never self-seeking.

True beauty radiates throughout personalities and dispositions.

True beauty finds lovely among the ugly.

True beauty turns dust into life.

True beauty is defined in the marrow of one's life, way down deep in the core where integrity lives.

I yearn to be beautiful in this way, the true and only way one should constantly seek to live.

Never seeking popularity or recognition but always reaching down deeper extending and sacrificing and serving.

STOP

Fearful Delight

2011-08-08T23:36:00.004-04:00

random picture, not my view...

I am sitting on my back porch watching the lightening show in the sky. Thunder bangs loudly from the heavens, but there is no sign of rain...yet.

Every bolt shakes me down to my core and I can't help but picture angels bowling as the deep sounds of thunder roll above. I do not recall who it was that told me the story, maybe a friend or a relative, but whenever a storm is nearing and the thunder is escalating, I envision them, lifting up their white robes and running barefoot in a bowling alley...one that resembles our local Belmar Lanes right down the street. Blue-eyed and longish blonde hair wisping around pale faces, holly-wood angels if you will, who high-five one another when they throw a strike....

And no I am not making this up. I have had this vision in my head since childhood...every time I witness a thunderstorm. It's probably my "safe-place" that I go to in my mind, since in all actuality I am TERRIFIED of any kind of compromising weather condition. I think it all began way back in elementary school when we had to pile into the asbestos-infested tunnels for tornado drills. ...maybe it's a side effect of inhaling dangerous fumes...I don't know...

Back to the matter at hand...

The thunderstorm in my back yard.

Six houses down the block from where I grew up, I sit on the porch of our house, this place we call home and type and am pulled back in my mind to when I was a child, swinging out on that back porch of my youth...and gazing upward at bolts of light as my mama held me in her arms and squealed with delight when each roar of thunder would crash our ears...

"Isn't it exciting?" she would ask.

Chills of fear would creep up over my body but her warm embrace reassured me that I was safe.

And as I sit here now capturing the same park lit up decades later through these same eyes I wonder...

Isn't that how it is with our God?

We fear Him for He is GOD....yet in all of His glory....He cradles my life in the palm of His hand...

Whom shall I fear?

I shall fear the LORD

Isaiah 11:2-3

English Standard Version (ESV)

²And^(A) the Spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him,
   the Spirit of wisdom and understanding,
   the Spirit of counsel and might,
   the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD.³And his delight shall be in the fear of the LORD.^(B)

Let me repeat...

The Spirit of the LORD shall rest upon (me)....

and the fear of the LORD.

And (my) delight shall be in the fear of the LORD.

Oh How Great Thou Art! (Click on)

WHOLE (Five Minute Friday)

2011-08-06T00:29:00.003-04:00

Today is Friday, Five Minute Friday....Here's the deal:

Write your words without editing them.
Tell your readers you’re linking up here and invite them to come and share their unedited stories too.
And most importantly, go visit, read, and compliment the person who shared right before you.

Easy peasy. OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes for the prompt:

WHOLE

In 5 minutes starting now:

In first grade I still pretended that a half sandwich filled me up, not a WHOLE one...

And still I pretend much of the time that I am filled up. Filled with the Holy Spirit to overflowing...more than whole...

I like to wear the mask...

Afraid to reveal the broken me to the world around.

Always covering my blemishes, my pieces with foundation that only wears off...

Reaching out only when my breaking self is so unrecognizable that I have no other choice but to extend a hand upward to my savior...

Who always glues me back together, whole in Him, even when glimpses of light are still bursting forth through cracked holes...

but maybe that's what it's all about, this life that I live...

Brokenness made WHOLE...daily through Him...and some cracks left open allowing His Light, Jesus to shine through...

STOP

So it's actually Saturday morning 12:27 am as I write these final words...but I am still awake and definitely considering it Friday evening....

Happy FRIDAY!

Lit up Life

2011-08-04T22:07:00.005-04:00

Joe's Grandma Adeline turned 90 this month and Saturday we celebrated her birthday. All of her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren were able to make it...

surrounded by all of her grandchildren

...and she was glowing, literally...

We posed the children around her where she was seated and as I gazed through the camera I noticed that she was lit up.

As she held her great grand babies, you could see her heart of gold lighting up her face but the sun was also shining and beaming brightly direct on Grandma's pants that were shaded in her favorite color, yellow, and her coordinating top.

great-grandchildren

It was as if God was aiming the sun directly upon her and allowing her to have a moment in the spotlight.

But really her life has been spent spreading God's light, His love, to those around her.

She became a nurse after her son was in a near fatal car accident that almost took his life. She prayed to God that if He would spare him, she would spend the rest of her life helping others.

God saved him and she kept her promise. She went back to night school to receive the diploma she never was able to get. She went to college and became a nurse in her early 50's.

She tells me that she loved nursing and with that being said, she has never really retired. She continues to give advice and cook up home-made chicken soup for us when we are sick.

She has lived a life bent low, serving those around her without even thinking twice.

She took care of her brother, brought him in to live with her and cared for him when he was sick...

Grandma's aging mother lived with her almost until the end...Grandma wouldn't have it any other way...

She never once went back on her oath to God, even in the valley of the shadow of death...

Her first husband, Grandpa Joe suffered with and eventually died from cancer...Grandma was there nursing and caring every step of the way...

Her second husband, Wally quickly passed last summer from cancer also...there she was holding his hand...

And just as she holds the hands of those she cares for, I know that the Lord is holding her hand, every step that she takes.

Grandma took a fall at her grand-daughters wedding in the beginning of March. She fell down a flight of stairs and we were all worried...scared that the worst was to come...

But our gracious God was holding onto her and Grandma didn't break a bone in her body...only her nose which really is cartilage...And even though she was badly bruised and took a few weeks to recover...she is doing great!

She grew up the only girl with five brothers and is a bit feisty to say the least!

She has seen a lot in her long lifetime and witnessed more than words can contain...

I once heard someone refer to the term "survivor" as "thriver" instead...and she is just that, a "THRIVER"

Grandma drives herself up to the salon at least twice a month to get her hair done and I cherish my visits with her. I let our talks soak in deep and hold them close to my heart. Her words are wise, 90 years wise!

Joe has so many fond memories of his precious Grandma. He collected a number of them and put them to a piece of paper for her.

And lately I have been holding onto each moment, each memory-to-be that I have with her.

I don't know if it's because I lost my grandma this past fall...she would have been 90 in January, they share the same birth year...

But we never know how much time we will have left with our loved ones.

Every moment shared...HOLD ON TO! ...don't let it slip away!

Live a life bent low reflecting the only true Light of the World where no darkness abides!

"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life' " (John 8:12)

Happy Birthday Grandma! May you continue to light up others!!

Five Minute Friday

2011-07-29T15:06:00.002-04:00

Trying something new today that I read about at http://www.incourage.me/2011/07/five-minute-friday-still.html If you blog...try this out!

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word on the prompt, “Still.”
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Get a little crazy with encouragement in the comments of the five minuter who linked up before you.

Here goes...the topic STILL

I still love that teenage boy I spotted so many years ago across the baseball field catching fly-balls in center field as I was supposed to be practicing softball one field over.

I still get butterflies when I see his name on the caller i.d.

I still love to stay up late and have deep conversations about God and life.

I still melt inside when his soft lips touch mine.

And even though it's not always happy,happy, lovey-dovey...and we often argue and throwdown (not literally)...I still LOVE making up even though I make him say sorry always more than once.

STOP

So there it is...5 minutes...that was challenging!!

JUMP

2011-07-18T23:16:00.002-04:00

JUMP!!!

Go ahead and JUMP!

Don't know exactly what David Lee Roth is referring to as he sings these lyrics and Eddie rocks it out on the guitar and keyboard....

I do know that my husband LOVES this song and the way Eddie can pluck out those riffs on the neck of that sweet Charvel from the mid 1980's (he lets me know).

I also know that I actually miss the metal hair of the 80's and really wish I could have seen some of these rockers at their hair salons with their hair wrapped tightly in pink rods drenched in perm solution with plastic caps holding the heat in while they sat under dryer hoods with elderly ladies next to them getting their weekly roller sets.

And I also wonder when yellow zebra jackets went out along with leather chaps and fish net...??

Sorry, back to my point....

JUMPING....

I used to love to jump on my cousin's trampoline when we would visit every summer down in Eastern Kentucky. The thought of a security net never crossed my mind as I bounced for hours at a time. I would gaze down at the rusty springs and up into the surrounding hills and imagine myself in a circus or better yet maybe even the summer Olympics with Mary Lou Retton as I would flip and twist. I would envision a picture of me in a red white and blue USA leotard and a gold medal adorning my neck on the front of the "Wheaties" cereal box.

Dreamily and fearlessly bouncing...

And I have been thinking about this lately as I watch my children play.

How carefree and fearless they are.

I've been remembering how I used to be that way too.

What happens to us as we age?

Fear has crept in and kept me captive holding me back....inhibiting me....restraining me so I am unable to just,

JUMP!

(I need to) "just go ahead and JUMP"

and who better to inspire me, this middle sister all grown up and tied up...than my middle child, Micah Joseph who just LOVES to JUMP!!!

Take the plunge and enjoy every second of it!!!

Matthew 18:3

New International Version (NIV)

³ And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Broken Pieces

2011-07-12T11:47:00.000-04:00

We woke up to a muggy Michigan morning.

The temperature was rising not only outside but in the house as well.

Jonah can't stand the golf attire I pick out and Ayla has been through 3 outfits and the crocodile tears are rolling and my voice is raising and my patience is long lost.

I know that later I will be consumed with guilt but am caught up in the moment.

We finally get out the door and on our way to drop Ayla off to preschool.

Clouds rolled in and I wondered if the day called for rain. (I never watch the news or weather forecast)

Nevertheless we make our way to the boys' golf lessons.

Jonah is concerned...like his mama, he is not one to enjoy and marvel in the excitement of any kind of storm.

We arrive and the instructor tells me that he has them for 2 hours, rain or no rain. They will take shelter if necessary.

And I think about that cherished 2 hours and how excited I am to shop at Target and Meijer, kidless.

And while I am unpacking the groceries after my visit to both, guilt overtakes me as I gaze out the window.

I grab the keys and jump in the van.

I push back the panic as I peer through the windshield at the shifting sky.

My rubber tires roll over the blacktop drive of the public course, lightening blazing in the distance.

I spot the boys running up to the van, golf bags draped over their shoulders with metal clubs clanking together hanging out just waiting to absorb a good jolt of lightening.

Once again I push back the panic and thank the Lord as the boys jump into the van and I safely tuck the bags in the hatch.

Water pours hard and fast and the wind whips the van around on the road.

I hide my fear from the boys as we head home and say a silent prayer for our safety.

Jonah's face has no sign of fret. I whisper a "thank you Lord" up to the heavens.

I had promised them that we would stop for free Slurpees (7-11-11) and felt bad going back on my oath, storm or no storm.

We pull into 7-11 and jump out drenching ourselves in the downpour.

The clerks look at us like we are crazy and I respond,

"We REALLY wanted our free Slurpees!"

Rain soaks us again completely as we run back and hop in our seats.

We have to make one more stop to pick up Ayla. By the time we pull under the carport the rain lightens, of course.

I buckle her in and pass back her free pina colada.

She smiles and I think to myself how she has no idea what I went through to get it for her.

And my heart swells with love for my precious children who are all safely belted into their seats, bellies filling with sugared ice.

And I utter another prayer of thanks to my God who keeps me safe in all of life's storms.

And I think of how I should commune with Him like this all of the time, not just when I'm pushing back the panic.

I ponder on the fact that I should praise Him during each and every smooth sunny ride of my life.

And I make yet another resolution to try harder to do this as I pull into the driveway.

We walk up into our house and I look out the back window.

My patio umbrella was left up and the wind swept it up cracked off the top. The table was blown over on it's side and glass lays in a million pieces on top of brick and mulch.

And I am reminded that not only should I have communion with Him during the storm, I need to be grateful for it as well.

And how hard it is to be grateful when my table-top is broken into pieces and my life feels like it is too.

When I feel like a horrible mama for yelling and being so impatient with the ones I love the most.

And I am reminded of the book that I read a few months ago.

Of her words, "eucharisteo always precedes the miracle" http://onethousandgifts.com/the-book

How "thanksgiving during the trials, when most difficult" always comes ahead of divine intervention.

And I utter a prayer of thanks for when I am weak...

And when "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." (Rom.7:15)

And these broken pieces of my flesh, my humanity...they cut and hurt. I hate them yet I continue to pick them up and use them over and over. Because I am weak.

That is when "His grace is sufficient for me for his power is made perfect in my weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)

And I thank Him again even though it is through clenched teeth (I liked that table and umbrella and how am I going to clean up all of those pieces?...) because He takes my brokenness and glues it all back together through His grace and love.

Quotes

2011-07-06T23:25:00.000-04:00

"Put off today what you can do tomorrow"

My philosophy this evening as I gaze around the house, ignoring the slight increase in my heart rate.

Suitcases filled with the children's clothes adorn the hallway upstairs and have sat there for the last week and a half, since we came home from our annual vacation.

My freshly painted bedroom that I vowed to keep tidy is piling up and the master bath is actually frightening to say the least.

Dishes are waiting patiently to be done...

Carpets are crying to be cleaned...

Toys are tired of being tripped over...

And Mama is too tired tonight...

And I am coining this new phrase...

"Put off today what can be done tomorrow"

I seriously thought this was the quote, probably because I wished it was.

But once again I was mistaken and the original quote by Thomas Jefferson reads,

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today"

Just my luck!!!

Hopefully I will be able to sleep in knowing this new piece of information!!!

An American Soldier

2011-07-04T15:28:00.000-04:00

I published this post originally 2 years ago on July 4, 2009....

My dad's older brother Gary joined the Marines at the peak of the Vietnam War. He wrote this letter to his pastor four and a half short months before he was killed. On this 4th of July I would like to honor his memory and thank him and every single soldier like him who has sacrificed his/her for the sake of our freedom.

24 Sept. 1967
Dear Rev. Jones,

You'll have to excuse me if I started this letter wrong, cause it's the first time to a man of the Gospel. I really don't know what to say, but I'll try anyway.

To get things straight, my name is Gary W. Holbrook, son of Mr. and Mrs. Garrett Holbrook, 2216 Grange Rd. Trenton. If you will remember I talked with you a few times before I left for Vietnam.

I guess that most people getting letters from the men in Vietnam, would like to know a little about what it's like over here. This is the way I think of Vietnam.

The mountains are beautiful even if they are Vietnam mountains, and the water in the rice paddies is so clear you can see yourself in them. The sun is like a great light that never ceases to let you know it's always on the job. And at night the beauty of this far eastern country is unexplainable. I guess you might say it's like one of Walt Disney's Kodak Colored Pictures. That's what Vietnam appears to be like. Only God and the men that are over here giving up their lives truly know what Vietnam is like. to them it is always hot, wet, muddy, and above all lonely. All the outward looks of beauty that pertain to Vietnam's landscape and Vietnamese people is just a falsehood which hides death or destruction behind every bush or from the vast low banks of the lonely green paddies. During the day when the sun is shining brightly above and sending life to this ever expanding vastness of green foliage and jungle terrain. The fighting man must be especially leery because from these beautiful grass lands and majestic jungles there are those who would take his life if given the chance.

During the night when all is still and peace seems all around you, (for Vietnam doth truly seem peaceful at night) once again you find the American fighting man awake and waiting, for during these hours of blissful peace and constancy is when the enemy takes advantage of our fighting men, for at these beautiful times he sometimes lets his mind wander back to his loved ones far across the ocean, he asks himself, "Is it all worth it, being over here amongst all this beauty which is only a front for death?" He asks himself, "Is the price of peace and happiness for his loved ones too dear to pay with his life?" All these questions and many more run through these brave young mens' minds and there is still the same answers with God on our side and us being a free people and believing in Him, He will stand by our side no matter what the price. For I'm an American fighting man and will do my best to serve my God and my country. And although Vietnam is truly beautiful, it is just as deadly and even more so lonely for the American fighting man. Well I guess that's enough of my philosophy about Vietnam.

Well Reverend, I guess there really isn't much more to say except that I'm pretty sure I am not the only one that has a strong and compassionate feeling for Nam and it's people. I would certainly appreciate it if you would pray for all of us over here, and maybe some Sunday you could give a sermon on Vietnam, so people can do a little more about it then just say, "Well Vietnam's way over there and I am over here." I believe they should be made to realize that there is a little of each of us over here living and dying to help us all free and save, for tomorrow the sun will surly shine on a free and God-fearing people. I will also send you my address in case there are a few people in the church that might want to write. Thank you very much for listening to my problems. I only hope God heard them as well.

L/Cpl. Gary W. Holbrook U.S.M.C.

P.S. Feel free to tell others what I wrote, maybe it will give them a better understanding of what goes on over here.

Some final thoughts,
I hate war. I was always taught that it is a necessary evil, and maybe it is. The pacifist side of myself is totally against it yet the logical side of myself deems it as justifiable. Hopefully, one day God will answer all of the questions I have on the issue. But just like during Vietnam, I do believe that we need to pray for each and every soldier fighting for us, even if we don't agree with it. Just as my uncle cherished every prayer uttered on each American soldier's behalf, I think our troops today would as well. So will you join me in praying for our soldiers?

Happy Independence Day!!!!

A New Song

2011-06-16T00:34:00.001-04:00

I originally posted this entry on November 11, 2008

Psalm 40
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God,
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Over and over the last few days I have had this Psalm in my head. I have been listening to this song called 40 by U2 that quotes this scripture. Bono repeats throughout the chorus, "I will sing, sing a new song...How long to sing this song? How long to sing this song? How long? How long? How long to sing this song?"

My God has lifted me up out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire. He has set my feet on a rock, the strongest, firmest of rocks, my Lord Jesus Christ. He has put a new song in my mouth for me to sing. But how long will it be until I sing the song he has put there?

How long?

How long to sing this song?

How long will it take for me to die to myself and live for my God?

How long will it take for my life to become a beautiful hymn of praise that brings many to trust in the LORD?

How long?

I don't know. What I do know is that my Lord is composing a new melody right at this very moment as I submit to Him and bow down my heart at His nail-scarred feet. What I do know, and have been reminded of today, is that my Jesus sees my submission to Him and reports it directly to His Father. What I do know is that my life can become a new song of praise to my God, because I have the highest of high priests interceding directly for me, on my behalf. What I do know is that my God has "redeemed my life from the pit and crowned me with love and compassion" (Psalm 103:4-5)! What I do know is this different song, this new song's introduction can begin as soon as I accept the fact that my God has pulled me up out of the depths of my sin and set me on firm ground and has mercifully filled me with His love and His compassion.

How long to sing this song? As soon as I accept...only then will I sing a new song!

Love

2011-06-13T23:38:00.000-04:00

What a man I am married to...

He loves the outdoors. Tells me casting a line is almost spiritual for him...

He loves sports...hockey is his favorite. "GIVE BLOOD, PLAY HOCKEY" if you know what I mean...

He's a guy's guy.

The opposite of a metro-sexual (which drives me nuts being a hairstylist and all...) and hates to dress up but has to wear a suit and drive off to work clean shaven everyday.

But tonight, his true deep love for me surfaced and peeked out it's beautiful face.

Because tonight game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals were being intently watched by those magnificent eyes that still make my heart melt...

And NO the Red Wings were not playing but YES he was excited to see...

And my sweet, sweet man who has been cultured above and beyond he ever signed up for or thought he would be, I'm sure, through this crazy girl...

He not only lets me turn the channel to PBS and catch the very end of the Les Miserables 25th Anniversary Tribute... (which happens to be on the very top of my "favorite things" at the moment...)

He actually sang along and smiled all the while missing the end of Game 6.

(The poor guy has been dragged to 3 Broadway performances of this particular musical since he met me)

And all I can say is that I'm blown away!!

He really does LOVE me!!!

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a
(New International Version)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (NIV)

New Chapters

2011-06-12T01:56:00.001-04:00

We woke up to a cold and overcast typical Michigan winter morning mid-December 2007. Just like most Sundays, our family piled into the mini-van and drove to church. We had been quite busy. We moved just a couple of weeks prior into a new house that was only a few blocks away from our previous dwelling. Ayla was only nine months old. Jonah had turned seven in the beginning of the month and Micah was four. And on this particular day, things had gone quite smoothly. I don't remember much about the church service so I'm guessing it was quite normal. After worship we dined on delectable breakfast food at our routine Sunday morning restaurant. On the ride home, not only were the kids unusually quiet and relaxed, I was as well. We turned onto the main side street to take us to our house which happened to be the same street of our prior home. Three to four blocks and two stops signs later, Joe taps the left turn signal on and we pull up in the driveway. Joe looks at me, and I look at him and we are both thinking the same thing,

"Who's car is that in our driveway?"

And then it hits us like a fist right in the gut. We accidentally pulled up into the drive of our old house. We all busted out in laughter but my heart was twisted in two. Memories of our five years gushed into light. Jonah toddling barefoot on the wooden floors with a saggy diaper. Staring out the window at the budding dogwood in spring while rocking my bundled new-born Micah to sleep. Recollections of our narrow Christmas tree lit in the picture window and blazing autumn bon-fires in the cedar lined yard. Visions of Micah coloring on our enclosed porch and bringing Ayla home from the hospital in late March with unusually warm weather. Walking my first-grade Jonah across the street to his elementary school with that brand-new back pack strapped behind him on a perfectly sunny September morning....

Flashes darting in my head.

And there we sat in our old driveway for a moment stopped in time and as Joe shifted gears into reverse my thoughts shifted back to our new house.

My eyes focused on the road in front of us and I realized that a chapter of our life was now written and we had many blank pages ahead to fill.

And as I sit here now, four years later, I think about how much of the time I long to re-write my past. Erase the mistakes and start over. Instead of being thankful for the mess-ups I beat myself up and stay stuck in the swamp of guilt.

Oh how I need to remember that those chapters are closed and lessons can surely be learned and moments remembered and cherished but the fresh ink of this day is waiting to mark the page.

And my God, my savior, who is the author and finisher of my faith is right here with me waiting to write my story with me.

The question is will I loosen my tightly clenched fingers and surrender the pen over to His ever-present hand and allow Him to make my ugly into something beautiful?

Will I allow Him to make my story all about His-story?

His story that is one of grace and redemption and love and turning the other cheek and giving until it hurts?

His story that denies myself and puts others first?

His story in which the last are first and the least are the greatest?

Only through His Spirit can I say yes.

"Yes Lord, make my story all about you and your ways, help me to forgive others as you have forgiven me and fill me with love for the unlovely. Thank you for your unstoppable, never ending, unchanging constant love that never gives up on me."

Let the writing begin.

20/20

2011-05-22T23:50:00.003-04:00

After 12.5 years of marriage I finally am beginning to grasp the concept that my husband and I will never peer through the same lenses. The object of our gazes may be identical but the glass between the frames definitely holds a completely different prescription.

For example: I walk into my bedroom and find an unmade bed and clothes piled on the floor. Through my glasses I see a mess just waiting to be tucked away and pulled up neat. My husband on the other hand sees right through the wrinkled sheets and tossed off clothes. All he sees is a bed waiting to tuck him in tight with his wife right next to him warm and cozy..........

Example #2: We are watching a movie, lets just say oh "Gladiator". Joe's favorite scene is at the end when blood is splattering and swords are stabbing the hero dead. All the while I am still misty-eyed from the previous scene where the princess and the hero steal a secret kiss in the dimly lit catacombs.

Yet another example: We have a river-rock fireplace in our family room. I envision a beautiful sepia canvas print of my three precious children hanging above the fire. Joe, on the other hand, would love to see a thick wood mantle with a huge rainbow trout and a fly-rod adorning the stone.

We see the same surroundings and scenarios so differently.

Are men really from Mars and women from Venus?

I'm not sure.

What I do know is there is a power struggle with most close-intimate relationships.

I want and yearn for my husband to see things my way.

Instead of treasuring his unique perception, I long to twist and turn, manipulate his prescription to mine.

But my spectacles won't fit him properly and his sight will be blurred through the wrong lenses.

Slowly, oh so slowly, I am beginning to realize that no matter how much he tries to or pretends to, he doesn't see it my way.

And he hasn't since he was a toddling boy.

We are just wired differently, him and I.

Reflecting on this tonight I swallow a bit of my puffed-up pride.

Humility lowers me to my knees as I turn over a piece of my enlarged ego.

I raise my head to the heavens and open my eyes.

Both pupils stare through hope, bright and glorious, upward.

Tasting the freedom of redemption that knocks me down yet fills me up all at the same time.

Click here:

http://youtu.be/gQzrqmcwg8o

Hidden Treasure

2011-04-28T00:05:00.000-04:00

A new "Home Goods" opened up less than a mile away from our house a couple of years ago. If anyone reading this has ever had the opportunity to tread the shiny woodish floors laid out in one of these amazing stores I'm sure you can attest and agree that it can be downright dangerous to live almost within stone's throw of one.

They really should hang a big "BEWARE" sign posted in large font on the burnt-orange metal framed shiny glass enclosure.

"BEWARE" this store can make you dizzy.

I get so dizzy in there. My head spins and I cannot concentrate because there is SO much to take in.

I am overwhelmed.

I walk in and my dilated pupils try to focus. My heart starts to pound and then it happens...

Flashes of black dart in front of my eyes. I close them and take a deep breath. Slowly....carefully....calmly I lift open my lids and try to focus.

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP....

I feel my blood pressure increase slightly.

I am not kidding around. I am totally serious. I get so darned excited when I step inside.

What will I find?

What hidden treasure is waiting for me today?

It could be as simple as a candle or a cake-stand.

Or as grand as a chaise or chest of drawers.

Deep breath.

Focus.

Slowly I browse. Aisle by aisle.

Heart fluttering and all, I stop and pick up each possible purchase, examine thoroughly (mama taught me well) and then look at price tag (most important part, mama, I know).

Either I return it to shelf or place in cart with countless ideas floating in my head of what I can do with this or that.

Where will this new item fit in my house to make it more of a home?

My mama had a deep heart for making her house a home and I have inherited that passion.

Even though she was always EXTREMELY frugal... she was always EXTRAORDINARILY creative as well.

Even though I am still embarrassed of her trash-picking Jenny Lind beds in our sweet Astro-mini van back in the 80's....(thank God for tinted windows).

I digress...

Back to the store...

Heart fluttering.

Head spinning.

Does this excitement, this emotion flood my being when I reach for that precious already owned book on my shelf at home?

Does my heart pound when I gaze upon the leather-bound, gold-trimmed pages?

What treasures lie inside?

What life-changing, house made home waiting information is scribed upon each God-breathed page?

What words of wisdom are waiting to work their way into my wayfaring heart?

I have tread upon these floors before and I have to warn you:

"BEWARE"...may cause dizziness or blurred-vision and simple or grand hidden-treasure will be waiting.

The Light of the World

2011-04-22T11:06:00.000-04:00

Last night we had a Passover dinner.

Later when the guests left and the kitchen was all cleaned up Ayla gazed into the flame of the candle and told me,

"I can see Jesus in there"

What a great reminder

"God is light and in Him there is no darkness." (1 John 1:5)

GOOD Friday?? BAD Friday??

2011-04-22T10:56:00.003-04:00

On "Good Friday" I never feel GOOD

As a matter of fact I almost always feel BAD

Unworthy

Shameful

Wretched

And puzzled as to why

God in all of His glory would have left his throne in heaven...

Confused as to why He

"made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness." (Phil 2:7)

Knowing He would be

"despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering." (Isiah 53: 3)

Knowing He would be

"oppressed and afflicted...led like a lamb to the slaughter." (Isiah 53: 7)

Baffled that He would be

"pierced for our transgressions...crushed for our iniquities" (Isiah 53: 5)

Yet in this same passage I am reminded

"By His wounds we are healed" (Isiah 53: 5)

In Him all of my BAD is made GOOD

All of my iniquities

Every bit of

Shame

Unworthiness

Wretchedness

has been healed for

"By His wounds we are healed"

No Use Crying Over Spilled Milk

2011-04-06T22:33:00.000-04:00

Mornings and I don't work too well together.

I am a night owl.

The quiet solitude of a sleeping house is music to my ears. However, this cherished time flies by all too quickly and most evenings I find myself extending each treasured minute, keeping my stinging eyes open doing crazy stuff like reading a book or surfing the web instead of getting the shut-eye they need.

This morning was rough just like most.

I poured Ayla some milk. She has been drinking unsweetened almond milk that I sweeten with agave nectar. I went into my lazy-susan in the corner cabinet where I keep all of my baking foods to get out the nectar. I squirted it into her cup and she was under my feet playing around in the cabinet.

And I spilled the milk all over my $5.00 bag of unbleached organic flour (wide-open, unclosed) and the rest of the supplies in my cabinet and the doors, rug, etc.

And even though "there's no use crying over spilled milk", I almost could have cried.

Ayla looked at me and said,"Good thing that wasn't my fault."

And then I wanted to cry even more.

Because my 4 year old already knows how I react to her spills. And obviously my reaction isn't good.

Tears well up in my eyes as I ask her to please move out of the way.

Pools flood out of her sweet blues as she cries and asks, "Are you mad at me?"

More tears on both of our faces.

"Of course I'm not mad at you and I don't want you to ever think that I am when you spill something."

I wrap her up in my arms and hold on tight. I tuck her dangled curl behind her ear and stare into those precious blue gems...

And I wonder...why in the all of the world He has chosen me?

This broken, messed up, easily angered over spilled milk woman to be her mama?

And I remember that I am not alone.

I am not the only mama who feels like she has failed.

I am not the only one who cries over spilled milk.

And I remember that my God is the God who sees me, no matter how trivial.

"And even the hairs on your head are all numbered" Matthew 10:30

WOW! As a hairstylist I know that everyone sheds a certain number of hairs per day. That number varying during pregnancy and after having a baby or because of medication, thyroid problems, etc. Not to mention medications or certain treatments for diseases or haircuts which involve the thinning of one's hair or texturizing as we hairstylists like to refer to it...

He knows every hair on my head.

He sees that intricately.

And I am reminded that He sees my heart as well. And I LOVE my children.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins" 1Peter 4:8

What a relief!

Jesus Culture - One Thing Remains

2011-03-15T23:19:00.000-04:00

This song, "One Thing Remains" reminds me of my Savior's great love for me. There is nothing that can separate me from the love of Christ!!

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present, nor the future. nor any powers, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord!" Romans 8:38

I hold onto the fact that my God loves me no matter what today.

No matter how much I veer the path.

No matter how many times I fall to my selfish flesh.

He still loves me and never gives up on me...no matter what!

Trickling Tallies

2011-03-01T23:44:00.006-05:00

I am counting my gifts, my blessings, the things I am thankful for (http://www.aholyexperience.com/one-thousand-gifts-book/) and continually my patience as a mama and wife is being tested and taken to the limit. Whether Ayla is having a meltdown over getting into the bath... or the boys are swinging fists at one another because, "He pushed me first!"...or all of the kids are just being downright disrespectful and sarcastic to me. Chaos is lack of a better word to say the least. Yet slowly and steadily calmness is beginning to reach up through me as I am continually tested. As I try to bite my tongue, step back and breathe in this new kind of peace the raging storm within me is being tamed bit by bit.

And today, gratitude is spilling over in our house.

Yesterday I hung up some chalkboard paper on the wall for the kids to start their own "1000 Gift' List.

Ayla informed me that she was thankful for the roly polies she discovered on the floor at daycare. She drew a picture of one.

Jonah and Micah started their lists:

I just love how Jonah is practicing true Eucharisteo,

#7. Mom Yelling (But I still love her).

I also absolutely love and appreciate Micah's illustration of me, bottom right (or as Ayla would refer to it 'Giant Mama"').

But in all seriousness I am speechless and in awe of the work that God is doing in my children. Jonah begged me to go and buy him a journal today so he could start his own list. He has astounded me with his grateful heart that he so beautifully expresses.

#4. Hearing God's Word
#5. Drooping Eyes (time for bed)
#6. Ministick Mornings

The boys set their alarm clock to wake up extra early each morning so they can have time to play mini-stick hockey before school. Jonah cherishes this time apparently and now is offering up a small prayer of thanksgiving to his Heavenly Father for it.

I sit here amazed.

What a beautiful way to begin and end each day together as a family.

And the best part about it?

My children are excited and thrilled to express their gratitude to our Most High God! The Gift Tallying is Trickling down!!

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Psalm 107:1 (ESV)

   www.aholyexperience.com

Denied

2011-02-17T22:42:00.001-05:00

Yesterday morning on the short drive to school I asked the boys if they could remember to treat others like they wanted to be treated. Immediately they spoke up and thought that was a great reminder of how to act. Literally seconds later, I turn into the school parking lot and swing the van into the drop off lane. As the boys unbuckle their seat belts I say,

"Bye, have a nice day!"

No response. Micah is the first one out the door. Again,

"Bye Micah, Bye Jonah!"

Again, no response. Micah is already headed up the sidewalk and Jonah is still stepping out. This time I'm a little louder,

"Bye, Jonah!"

He pushes the button on the automatic door and heads up the sidewalk, not looking back.

Now I am a little bit, to say the least, upset. I beep the horn and he swings around and finds me waving at him through the windshield. He squints those clear blue eyes and glares back at me with a look that immediately sent daggers straight to my heart. He then spins back around adjusting his backpack strapped on one shoulder and quickly tramps off without as much as a nod in my direction.

Tears sting up in my eyes and my gut ties up in knots as I pull away. And it hits me deep like a hard ball to the heart, my children are embarrassed of me, so embarrassed that they won't even utter a goodbye with the van door cracked open because someone might hear! There weren't even any kisses or hugs or love-you's involved for goodness sakes, just a simple "goodbye"!

And I was denied.

Denied by my precious little ones who are the most important thing to me in this world!!

A scripture pops into my head as I make my way back to the house.

Matthew 10:33 ...but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.

Conviction swells as I taste a bit of the rejection Christ must feel from me all too often.

How many times have I turned my back on my Savior when he is calling my name?

How many times has he repeated himself over and over again and I just ignore him or even glare back and run away?

Away from my Lord who has called me out of darkness and into his glorious light.

Away from my God who has rescued me from the pit of my despair time and time again, planting my muddied up feet on solid rock.

I return to the house, heart broken. Broken over my shame, my denial.

But convicted and moved to take a step in a new direction, a bold step toward my God, unashamed.

2 Timothy 2:12 ...if we endure, we shall also reign with him; if we deny him, he also will deny us.

Not So Mundane Mornings

2011-02-16T21:45:00.000-05:00

I've started my "1000 Gifts" list.

Yesterday morning Micah excitingly yells to me, "Ma, look a gorilla!"

#41. shadow puppets

Ayla walks down the stairs...I laughed and pointed them out and she says, "but daddy said I could..."

#42. mis-matched socks

What joy I've been finding amongst the mundane. My heart has been full and satisfied...

My Review of One Thousand Gifts - Ann Voskamp

2011-02-15T08:56:00.001-05:00

Originally submitted at DaySpring

One Thousand Gifts beckons you to leave the parched ground of pride, fear, and white-knuckle control and abandon yourself to the God who overflows your cup. It invites you to wake up to God's everyday blessings, and discover, as Ann did, that in giving thanks for the life you already ha...

Amazing!

By Emily from Detroit, Mi. on 2/15/2011

This book has changed the way I look at the everyday mundane. I have begun to find "beauty in the ugly". Each poetically written page humbly drew me into an inner reflection of my heart. One Thousand Gifts is a book unlike any other I have ever read. Life-changing and amazing!!

(legalese)

Path Unknown

2011-02-05T00:09:00.000-05:00

In winter we bundle up in our gear and journey down the path prepared for harsh wind, frigid air, hard ice. Waterproof clothing and boots shell our bodies. We are ready for the bitter cold. Dressed for the journey down the snow-laden trail. It is a Sunday, the Sabbath, the Lord's day. The sun is shining deceivingly in the brilliant blue sky. Within minutes, Ayla cries to be held. Daddy sweeps her up in his arms and plants her on top of his broad shoulders. We trek on and turn around after almost a mile or so. Micah, exhausted from the hike, begs me to pick him up. Knowing I would only make it a few feet lugging his lanky 60 pound body, I tell him no and try to get his mind off of the situation instead. "Lets pretend like we are walking down our street back home." To divert his attention, I go through each house lined on our block and have him help me remember which one is is next. Soon enough we are back to where the trail began. The whole family is tired but invigorated. Micah is so proud of himself, he didn't think he would make it.

Cold circumstances are nipping our cheeks right now on our actual life-journey. There is an unknown forecast awaiting us as we take each step. How desperately I yearn for my Heavenly Father to grab me up and whisk me onto His shoulders. My legs are throbbing and my feet are starting to feel wet. Anxiety and fear flood over and try to drown out my sanity when I let my mind wander to the worst case scenario of the not so distant future. Cut backs. Lay offs. They've been talking about it for weeks at his company. We've known for a while, the state of our country's economy let alone our state's. But now crunch time is upon us. Will we hear tomorrow, the day after, next week? Will he have a job? I am reminded of a song I learned so long ago back when I was a carefree adolescent.

"When the water's too high
when the water's too high
I will carry you
I will carry you"

In my mind I can hear my little sister's beautiful voice singing, her delicate fingers strumming the wooden guitar up in front of the church.

"When the night is too black
when the night is too black
I will carry you
I will carry you"

That is His promise. To carry me. All I need is a teeny tiny bit of faith that He will be there right? (He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matt.17:20) Will my lack of faith be too heavy for Him to handle me for more than a few feet? Will He have to divert my attention, get my mind off of the situation so I can continue on alone weakened from the testing journey? Or when I am unable to press on because of my tired body, my worn out mind, will he reach down from Heaven and whisk me up in His everlasting arms?

I think back to that Sunday stroll with the family. The untouched white clumps hanging off of the barren trees was a sight to behold. The blazing sun streaming through tops of trees and animal tracks imprinted on millions of uniquely designed minute flakes of snow...amazing. A sight to see. Beauty in the middle of not so comfortable circumstances. Cold, frigid, red-cheeked weather yet so pretty at the same time. Definitely was worth the journey for the beautiful memories.

Whether God is carrying me or holding my hand or clearing the path ahead for me to journey through, I feel Him. I feel Him right down to the marrow of my bones directing and leading. The outcome may not be what I have planned for our family, it could get uncomfortable on many levels. I may have to bundle up for the journey He has in store for us. I may even have to double up my socks because it could get slushy and muddy. But along the way I will inhale unanticipated joys and beauties that can only come from above.

The Road Not Taken


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

Robert Frost

All Wiped Up

2011-01-24T18:12:00.003-05:00

The other day my three and a half year old yells to me from the bathroom to come and wipe her bottom. We have a deal, she wipes for number 1 and I wipe for number 2. I called back that I would be there in one minute. Upon arriving I immediately realize that she has attempted to take care of things herself.

"It was an accident," she says.

"No it was NOT. You deliberately tried to wipe your own butt and it was not an accident," I tell her.

"But mommy, it was a deliberate accident!" She cries.

I had to bite my tongue and try not laugh out loud!

However, is there such a thing as a deliberate accident? And do I justify my own deliberate accidents time and time again, knowing that my God will repeatedly wipe the slate clean (...no pun intended) no matter what? How thankful I am for that unmerited favor that he bestows upon me. And I know that my righteous acts are like "filthy rags" (Isiah 64:6). Yet, how often do I just shake, what I know I shouldn't do or say or behave like, off and deliberately disobey my God and His Word and then chalk it up in my mind as "an accident"? A deliberate accident!

Little Miss Sassafras really drove home a hard point with her mama today! I sit here and am amazed at how God speaks through my children to me...even in the bathroom when I'm wiping a little bottom!!

Figuring Life Out - One Thousand Gifts

2011-01-23T17:46:00.003-05:00

 1000 Gifts: A DARE TO Live Fully RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE

When I watched this video I felt as thought I had stepped into a "Country Time Lemonade" commercial.  My packaged book arrived the other day in the mailbox and I haven't been able to put it down!  Those warm summertime feelings are deepening as I take in each remarkably written word by author Ann Voskamp.  Gratitude and grace fill each page as she humbly shares her journey of a new connection to God.  As I read through this book my outlook at the mundane is changing and my eyes are opening to the beauty hidden in the monotonousness of daily living!

(Click on the Bloom button on the right of the page if you are interested in the book!)

Fresh Starts

2011-01-06T12:36:00.006-05:00

Giant snowflakes are fluttering outside of my window. There is nothing like freshly fallen snow. I am reminded of new beginnings as each delicate flake dips and twirls down upon the clean white-blanketed ground. The blackened, dirtied-up mounds previously surrounding the edges of the street and driveway melted last week with temperatures warming up around here so this snow is pure and brilliant. Today I have been reminded of how grateful I am for brand new starts with no left-over mud.

"Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow!"

New Year's Wishes

2011-01-03T16:08:00.009-05:00

2011!! Can't believe it!

Here are a few of my goals for the new year:

-specifically praying for each one of my children-

-respecting others (especially my hubby)-

-exhibiting self-control in more than one particular area of my life-

-thinking before I speak (which requires divine intervention)-

James 1:26
If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.

On another note:

Ayla climbs into bed with me this morning, curling her tiny body up into a ball on my pillow and whispers into my ear,

"I wish that I had wings like Tinkerbell."

I replied back to her that I wish I had wings like Tinkerbell too!

2010-12-25T09:29:00.005-05:00

(last Christmas 2009...Great Papa Wally who passed away this summer and Great Gram Adeline with all of the great grandchildren)

Merry Christmas 2010!

Falling on my knees and so grateful that "...His law is love and his gospel is peace...and in His name all oppression shall cease..."

Jonah was up from 3 til 5 am. He couldn't sleep because he was so excited. I remember those days just like it was yesterday!!

Today I am thanking God for my precious blessings! How very grateful I am to have such a full life.

One day I am going to miss all of the chaos I'm sure!

Tickled Pink

2010-11-20T16:56:00.004-05:00

I have the most wonderful next door neighbors. They are so giving and gracious. "Mr. Nice Neighbor" has been blowing our leaves in the front yard since they started to fall a few weeks ago on a regular basis. Tonight as I was walking through the family room I glanced out the window and noticed him in the back, mowing the lawn and piling up the leaves. Immediately I was filled with embarrassment and humility. Embarrassed because we haven't made time to take care of our property and humbled just because he told me that he was-and I quote- "tickled pink to do it"

I wish that I could be just as "tickled pink" myself and happy to have such an amazing neighbor. Instead I am wracking my brain trying to figure out what I can do to make up for his sacrificed time and hard work.

In the same way I constantly try to "make it up" spiritually speaking. I have the hardest time accepting the grace that God has bestowed upon me. I feel as though I constantly need to pay Christ back for what He did on the cross for me. Whether it be through worship, obedience, sacrifice, etc. I really do believe that it becomes a vicious cycle like a hamster spinning in his little wheel that just leads nowhere but wastes a lot of time.

I will never ever be able to pay our God back for the ultimate sacrifice ever made. My pride, my humanity yearns to even up the score. Jesus assures me that the game has already been won and He has already done all of the work. The whole game has been played out and He has lead us, all of us who believe, into a triumphant victory.

So tonight I'm chewing on that in silence. I'm trying to swallow my competitive nature a bit and enjoy the freedom that He has granted me. And maybe, just maybe I'll become a little "tickled pink"!

Messy

2010-11-05T09:35:00.002-04:00

Yesterday morning I woke up a few minutes early and took some time to pray and put the day in God's hands. I really felt a calming peace throughout my testing day. My mom and I along with Ayla hit the highway to a mall about 45 minutes away. Ayla was abnormally quiet and has had a little cold so I figured she was sleepy. About 10 minutes from our destination, she threw up all over her coat that was on her lap. This isn't the first time she has gotten car sick, poor baby. She was totally fine after that and thankfully the mess was only on her jean jacket and not on her. After our quick trip to the mall we had a nice lunch but it was filled with garlic. On our way home, my stomach started gurgling. Ayla fell asleep and by the time we pulled up in my driveway I really had to go! Jonah likes to call what happened next in my pants a "Hershey squirt". Needless to say I had a pretty crappy, pukey day! Yet throughout it all I felt God's hand holding mine and reassuring me that He was in control of all of the messes not only in my day but also in my life.

Change of Seasons

2010-11-01T13:33:00.008-04:00

Autumn has been filled with much change. The leaves have slowly turned from bright greens into vibrant rusts, reds and golden amber tones. Every fall I sense a time of change not only with the seasons but with myself as well. For me, it's a time to reflect on where I've been and where I'm going.

Sorrow has encompassed my soul these last couple of weeks. My 89 year old grandma passed away. She had been inflicted with Alzheimer's disease the last 10 years or so of her life but was able to live at home because my single uncle stayed with her and helped care for her. This loss is the closest one I've ever experienced. My gram and I were pretty close. I grew up three doors down the street from her and being that she was a widow, I was able to spend the night and visit whenever I wanted. She always had the best food and sweets galore. She filled my visits with stories of her life. She grew up in Eastern Kentucky on a farm. I loved listening to her talk about her childhood. I have missed her for the last 10 years but now I will miss seeing her precious smile and holding her red-weathered hands. I loved her so much and know that she loved me deeply. I was so fortunate to have known her.

Grandma had a life filled with tragedy. She lost her firstborn when he was 4 to Spinal Meningitis. He died in his room at home with my great-grandmother next to his side. Another son was killed in the Vietnam War. My dad still remembers the Marine officers who came knocking on the door while my grandma was carrying a load of clothes. She immediately dropped the laundry basket and started to weep, knowing what they were coming to tell her, the worst news she could imagine. She somehow managed to continue on, taking care of the rest of her children, caring for them and raising them, all 7. My grandfather was hit and killed by a train on his way to the local automobile plant where he worked when he was only 54 years old. Gram told me that the night before he died, he was changing a light bulb in the kitchen and he asked her,

"What would you do without me around here Esta?"

I'm sure she never dreamed that she would have to live out the answer to that simple question.

My uncle and his three boys moved in with my Gram when they were young for about a year or so. Six years later my cousin who was 16 at the time ran his car off of the road and into a tree. He died later that night at the hospital. Grandma had to bury another loved one who was much too young to die.

My grandma knew sorrow. She was all too familiar with loss. She was the strongest woman I have ever known who faced each day filled with a faith that I could only dream of ever attaining. When asked how she could endure so much tragedy in one lifetime, Gram would always reply,

"If it wasn't for the Lord, I don't know what I'd do."

God granted her with a peace that was unexplainable yet undeniable.

Often times, I try to replace emptiness with peace. Lately I realize that just because I feel empty or lonely doesn't mean that I am without peace. As a matter of fact when I am completely emptied and alone is when God's peace can most abound. This is when I can embrace his grace-filled hand and cling on because I have no where else to turn or look but upward.

I have been so blessed to be surrounded by so much love from wonderful friends and family these last few weeks. Different souls who I cherish dearly, have given up precious time with their families and just been there for me. For that I am extremely grateful and have been reminded of how important it is to love unselfishly at all times. Because isn't that what it's all about? Loving like God loved us? Sacrificing precious time in my little comfortable world for those around me. Because if I can't display love to those I call beloved how can I even begin to love the unlovely?

As winter approaches and change is in the air, I hope to turn around some areas of my life that are in dire need of changing. Just as the leaves begin to brown and wither and drift to the ground I hope to die to my old selfish ways. As the wind blows each leaf from every tree, I pray that God's breath will blow through my soul and empty it of everything that is inhibiting me from displaying His love to those around me. Because only when I am completely empty can God's Spirit move in and beautifully quench the dryness of my thirsty soul.

Not So Pretty Presents

2010-09-19T20:50:00.008-04:00

Our family has been on the run and in dire need of a day off with no obligations. Today we missed church but had a little devotional time around our kitchen counter instead. I asked the boys to write down three things that they were thankful to God for.

Micah's list was:

1. Mom
2. Dad
3. Grandma

I asked him to consolidate the three into one since we all are "family" so the final draft read:

1. Family
2. Shoes
3. Love

Jonah's:

"I'm thankful for myself. I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for my family and Jesus and shelter."

Naturally like my boys I tend to thank God for the good in my life (and Micah happens to LOVE shoes like his mommy). Rarely do I thank Him for adversity or hardships. Of course I call out to Him in the midst of troubled times but how often do I actually praise Him in the storm?

Today I shared from James 1:2-3 with my little ones,
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (NIV)

The Message states the same couple of verses,
"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."

I memorized part of James when I was ten years old and in bible quizzing. I have had these verses tucked away in my mind for 22 years but today I was reminded of them in a whole new way. So often I want to weasel my way out of hardships or pray them out of my life. But maybe God is maturing and developing my faith in certain situations and He is not done using them to refine my faith to a deeper level. Maybe I should start to look at the pressures of life and trials that come my way as big shiny packages tied up with beautiful ribbons instead of burdens that weigh me down and hinder me. Like a competitive athlete who wants to succeed and win the game I could begin to have the attitude of "Bring It On!"

"...If God is for me, who can be against me?" Romans 8:31

Not only do I want God's will for my life, I want to do life with God. Sometimes His presents aren't so pretty. Nevertheless I am told to be joyful and thankful for enduring and persevering through rough waters. Thankfully I am not alone while wading through the waves. The hand of my Savior is grasping my scared, shaking hand and God's peaceful Spirit is calming my every fear each step of the way.

Quality Time

2010-08-10T11:29:00.006-04:00

Seems as though summer has flown by as usual. I've been trying to play catch-up on my days off and have become consumed with getting the laundry done and picking up the house instead of enjoying the beautiful weather and quality time with my precious kiddies. So the last few days I have decided to rebel against an orderly house and just enjoy our time together for the rest of the summer. Last week we went swimming two days in a row and yesterday we took a trip to the zoo. (I lost my camera battery so I had to take pictures on my phone. Hopefully I'll figure out how to load them on the computer.) The temperature was high and filled with humidity so the animals were mostly napping. However the kids still loved it and I have to admit that I did too!

Summer has been good to us. Micah is learning to ride a two wheeler even though he does not want to and reminded me when I made him that it was a free country, you know! We have a short two weeks off between baseball and hockey. Joe and I don't know what to do with ourselves. It's been nice though. The boys have enjoyed fishing with their daddy. As a matter of fact they are going tonight.

All three of my children love spending time with us at this point in their lives. I know it won't always be that way but constantly each one of them is willing and ready to do anything with either Joe or me. Lately Ayla has been wanting to dance with "Prince Charming" otherwise known as "daddy". She begs him to twirl, dip and hold her. When daddy is done she pleads, "more, more!" Micah is pretty self-sufficient but loves to play baseball out back and wants us to pitch to him. Joe is giving guitar lessons to Jonah and the lesson is never ever long enough. I can't remember a time when any of my kids were wanting to stop an activity with me before I do.

As God's child am I that interested in yearning for quality time like that with Him? Do I beg my Heavenly Father to hold me in his arms and keep me there? Or am I too distracted with earthly things that I want Him to let me down? All too often I forget that God is so unlike me as a parent. He never puts a time limit on our encounters. He is constantly there waiting with arms wide open for me to run into. How thankful I am that God is ever faithful to me when I am not to Him. What a good reminder of how I should be more like my children are with me, to my God. And how I should strive to be more like God is with me, to my children.

Forgive me Lord for life's distractions causing my eyes to wander from you. Thank you for never letting me go even when I want to wiggle away. Help me yearn to dwell with you alone. Amen

The Second Journey

2010-06-17T21:03:00.003-04:00

Where does the time go?

I can't believe that today was the last day of 1st and 3rd grades for my boys. An array of emotions have rushed through me throughout the last several hours. I am so happy that summer has begun and just plain astonished that the boys are growing so fast.

I don't know how the last few months have gotten away with me! Hockey is over and baseball has begun! The boys also had their very first piano recital last week. They both did amazing! Micah played "Singing In the Rain" and Jonah played "Rock Around the Clock". Both of them walked right up to the piano, sat down and knocked it out, no qualms about it! I sat back and soaked it all in. They made me a proud mama.

My children never cease to astound me. They fill up my heart with such joy. I am thrilled and excited to have them home for the summer.

We leave for our annual vacation the day after tomorrow. I am reminded of when I started writing this blog almost two years ago when my husband wasn't able to come with us. I am so thankful that we are all able to go as a family together this year. So easily I forget how grateful I should be for that!

As I prepare for this vacation I am reminded of my spiritual trek. Recently I have learned that a lot of people come to a fork in the road between the ages of 30 and 60 where they realize that everything they have been working towards in life just returns void. Whether it be success, material goods, happiness or a perfect little family that was the goal, when achieved the satisfaction was just not quite there. Some people refer to what happens as a "mid-life crisis". What follows is referred to in a book I'm reading as the "Second Journey" in life.

Circumstances and spiritual awakenings in my soul have prompted me to this time in my own life. I feel like God is calling me to begin a new walk with Him. As I take the first steps I feel Him asking me to throw off all of the garbage that has been crippling my walk and weighing me down. I hear His gentle voice urging me to cast all of my baggage upon Him. He whispers to me,

"Remember I suffered for this. I bled for all of it. Every inch of your sin. I died for it, remember? It's mine, not yours. I paid the price, over 2000 years ago. Why are you holding onto any bit of it and lugging it around like it's yours to carry? Don't you remember? I defeated death and rose on the third day, all for you and your sin. Because your Father in Heaven loved you more than you'll ever fathom. How can you lug around this burden, this guilt? Don't you trust me? Don't you feel my love? My grace? My victory over death? I didn't die in vain so why are you treating me like I did? Let it go. Cast all of your cares upon me, that's what I died for!"

And so it begins, this second journey we'll call it. Today I take the first step of faith toward my all forgiving, mercy abounding Jesus who calls me God's adopted daughter. I will trust that He will not let go of my hand as I reach up.

His Rescue

2010-04-03T23:41:00.005-04:00

On this Easter weekend I have been reminded that Christ who is my complete pardon and access to the Father died on a cross to allow me and all of creation a chance to completely die to ALL of my sin!! Through his resurrection I have been rescued and made ALIVE in him. He came so that I might have life and have it more ABUNDANTLY!! His grace is unfathomable and the freedom that I have in my precious redeeming Savior is what I cling to.

I will never ever be good enough on my own, how thankful I am for God's amazing grace!!

When the enemy throws guilt in my face-I think of my one true love's blood soaked face from the razor sharp thorn of crowns that he wore.

And he did it...all for me.

When the proud and arrogant scoff at me-I think of the rowdy crowd mocking him, insulting and degrading him.

And he did it...all for me.

When shame and embarrassment engulf me-I think of his stripped-down body that was whipped and ripped apart.

And he let them do it...all for me.

When this thorn in my side attacks my life-I think of the knife that was jabbed into his side slowly shutting down each of his vital organs.

And he let them do it...all for me.

When shouts of anger spew from my tongue-I think of a whisper uttered from his lips, "It is finished".

And he said it...all for me.

He denied the grave, victoriously he rose again to allow me complete freedom from anything that would separate me from my Heavenly Father.

Once again I will shout,
How thankful I am for God's amazing grace!!! Without Jesus and his ransom that he paid for my very soul I would and will NEVER EVER be good enough!!

Now that's something to talk about!!!

Showing Up

2010-01-18T22:13:00.007-05:00

I rented "The Soloist" the other night On-Demand. First of all, what an amazing movie! I love watching movies based on true events and I did a little researching of my own and came to realize that the movie was very accurate. Mr. Nathaniel Anthony Ayers is a paranoid schizophrenic living on the streets of Los Angeles. Mr. Steven Lopez is a columnist for the LA Times who happens to come across Nathaniel playing the violin in the park. Always looking for a good story, Steve is intrigued by Mr. Ayers who obviously is homeless and a virtuoso all at the same time. Steve finds out that Nathaniel studied at The Julliard School in 1970 but dropped out. Mr. Lopez not only begins a column on Nathaniel but he also begins a friendship with him as well. A friendship that he later will refer to as

"the most meaningful friendship of my life, the one that I've learned the most from..."

Lopez tries to help Ayers. He gives him new instruments to play. music lessons and tries to get him to live in an apartment instead of the streets. But Mr. Ayers doesn't want to change. Unfortunately his illness keeps him from living a normal life and when his life as he knew it was compromised, he couldn't handle it. In the movie Nathaniel becomes physically violent with Steve at times and flies off the handle with fits of rage. Lopez receives some very good advice that I haven't been able to get out of my mind. His colleague who happens to be his ex-wife says to him,

"You can't heal Nathaniel, just be his friend and show up!"

There were many references to grace in the movie. I couldn't help but be saddened and emotionally drained as I watched the homeless people living in the streets. So many of them are mentally-ill. In researching the real-life Nathaniel I found out that he went through electric-shock therapy at a young age and refuses any type of medication now.

Sometimes there are people in my life who I feel need to be "healed". It could be a number of different things that I think they need delivered from but nonetheless they need to be changed in my opinion. And when the chips are down and everything is all out on the table and all parties have heard my opinions and know what I believe and why I believe it, sometimes I think God is calling me to,

"...be a friend and show up!"

because I am not going to heal anyone.

There was only one healer and his name is Jesus Christ.

As a follower of Christ I am called to love the loveless.

Show hope to the hopeless.

Be a friend to the friendless.

Be there when somebody needs you, even if you know that you're not going to "change" or "heal" them.

In other words,

"JUST SHOW UP!"

Presence in the Panic

2010-01-07T13:50:00.009-05:00

The summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school I decided to sign up for the diving team. My cousin, Andrea, who was more like a sister urged me to join her in this new venture. Always loving gymnastics and the Summer Olympics I agreed to give it a whirl and while most of our friends were snoozing we would wake up early every weekday morning in the chilly Michigan air and practice up at our local pool with one of the swimming coaches. Beginning a sport at the age of sixteen is definitely a challenge but with great effort I got through the season and surprisingly learned all of the different dives that were required to earn a varsity letter. Some dives were a little nerve-wracking but I found it fun and rewarding. The following year,when I became a senior, is when everything changed.

We started practice in August and quite a few months had passed since I stepped foot on the board so getting back into the groove was a lot more difficult than I had anticipated. But I was determined and muddled through for about a month.

And then one late, dark September night the phone rang and from the other end came horrible news. My cousin, Jason, had been driving home from work and ran off the road right into a tree, totaling his car he had to be pulled out by the jaws of life. He was on life-support but brain dead and his dad told us that he was going to pull the plug. Jason passed away leaving behind two siblings, both brothers, one his twin. We went to a heart-wrenching funeral and buried my sixteen year old cousin. This horrific event triggered a fear inside of me that I had never experienced prior.

Every time I would get up on the diving board to do practically any of the eleven different dives that I practiced, all I could see in my mind was my forehead banking off of the hard board. I pictured blood pouring out of me and could actually see myself floating in the water. Panic and fear would rip through my whole being. My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest and my stomach had butterflies fluttering around a million miles per minute. This was the first of many panic-attacks to come throughout my life.

Just the other day my mom asked me if she thinks that I could ever dive again. I told her that I could absolutely NOT!!! I would be so scared!! We talked about it and that very night I had a dream that I was a senior in high school and back at practice. It was one of those dreams that seemed so real. My coach was there and my friends. I even told Joe about it when I woke up.

The next evening my mom and I, Jonah and Ayla were having dinner out at our favorite restaurant and the head coach of the Swimming and Diving team happened to walk in with his wife. I hadn't seen him for a number of years. I went over to him and said hello and told him about my crazy dream.

With Christmas this past month my anxiety level has been through the roof to a new place that I didn't even know existed.

Furthermore, I think God is trying to convey something to me. He has helped me to recollect the very first time I felt out of control and washed over with fear and He is reminding me that He was right there with me holding my hand just as He is right now. He hasn't let go and He won't! When I am out of control, He is in control. I don't believe that He allowed and allows me to suffer through this without a purpose. Maybe I will always struggle with this anxiety and panic.

But I won't live through it alone and helpless.

I have an ever-present, omnipotent, all-knowing, all-loving, never-turning, life-breathing, mercy-showing, , unfailing, tear-washing, always restoring, ever-faithful in His redeeming GOD at my side!!!!

Psalm 91:1&2
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

12.25.09

2009-12-25T09:18:00.002-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Enjoying my family by our fire and warmly light tree.

Thanking my Heavenly Father for sending his blessed son to save the whole earth.

Praying for peace on earth and good will toward men.

Loving this season and all of the giving that I have witnessed.

Blessings!!!

Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T23:03:00.003-05:00

As grateful as I am for my loving husband and my beautiful children this year I am most thankful for the ultimate peace that passes all understanding. Sadness and heartache have bitten my soul in this season of my life and the merciful hand of my loving God has held onto me and reassured me that He will never leave or forsake me. Human relationships will always let me down but the strength of the Lord will always prevail. I have recently come into contact with an atheist who is just downright bitter and I have to agree that I would be too if I had absolutely no faith in anything at all. I know that I would want to just curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep everynight if I could not pray to a God who heard my cries! And as amazing and complex as our human bodies are and can be, I just find it hard to believe that I have absolutely anything at all to do with sending peace over my whole body when I am uttering my petitions and requests to my savior. Time and time again a spirit of fear has been transformed into a spirit of calm peace.

So today I am thanking my precious savior for reaching down to this broken heart and putting the pieces right back together again and leading me to calm waters!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

The "Fret-Train Express"

2009-11-02T22:42:00.003-05:00

With all of the media hype I have found myself falling into the pit of worry about my children's health. Micah came down with a fever last night and Jonah had a low grade one today. My mind immediately began to race and panic set in as I envisioned the most horrible outcome imaginable happening to my precious ones. Because lets face it this whole H1N1 thing has driven people into a fearful, anxious state of mind and I have climbed right on board the "fret-train express"!!

In the blink of an eye I seem to discard all of my hope in my ever present help and I trade it in for a spirit of fear and anxiety. All too quickly I let the prince of this world suck me into this tunnel of worry!

And I know that is not where my God wants his child. I am His! Just like I don't want my little ones to panic or worry about getting sick, I know that my Heavenly Father wants me to rest assured on His everlasting promises. He has hidden His word in my heart for these very times and I have to admit that even though I know I should be, since I quit the Bible Quizzing team in 7th grade I haven't been much of a scripture memorizer.

But here are some verses that have helped me today:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind" 1st Timothy 1:7

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:27

"1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress" Psalm 46:1-7

Running, Running, Running

2009-10-26T22:12:00.003-04:00

What else is new? We have been going, going, going. My little sister had her beautiful wedding in the beginning of the month. The following weekend we had a tournament in Cleveland for Jonah's hockey team, which they won! (and I have to brag for a second that my sweet Jonah scored the winning goal of a shoot-out in the semi-final game!!!) On Mondays Micah and Jonah both have hockey practice at different times but the same rink, thankfully. On Tuesdays, I work an afternoon shift so that is a free night for Joe. On Wednesdays, Micah has hockey-On Thursdays, Jonah. Fridays are usually free and on Saturdays I work but Micah has hockey-so my wonderful hubby packs up the kids and takes him to his practice or game. Sundays are church and most of the time hockey does not interfere which is so nice for a change and Sunday evenings we have dinner at my in-laws.

Run, run, run. Lately, God has been helping me to cherish the down time that I do have. Today I took Ayla on a walk and gazed at the brilliant blue sky painted with several shades of crisp autumn leaves and took some time to slow down and thank my God for His creation and the beauty of it. I had a little bit of time to step back and breathe in a few moments of unhurried, quiet time. My heart is always racing and I am constantly thinking of what I need to do or what I haven't done and today I was reminded of God's peace in all of that. Once again I felt God's gentle voice urging me to let go of trying to control my life. If I can't trust Him in the little, menial things how in the world am I going to trust Him when my world comes crashing down all around me? I need to give Him everything! And maybe my run will begin to feel more like a slow, peaceful jog!!

A Tame Tongue

2009-09-24T11:48:00.003-04:00

Next Saturday is my little sister's wedding. My family of five are all in it. The boys are going to be the ring bearers and Ayla is the flower girl. I'm doing Elizabeth's hair and Ayla's hair, of course, and giving a "matron of honor" speech at the reception. But those are the least of my concerns. I am singing a song at the ceremony and I have been hoarse since June. I thought it was my allergies, the same thing happened last year, but am realizing now that I must have strained my vocal chords somehow. Hmmm, maybe screaming at the hockey rink, or raising my voice at the kids, or talking over the blow-dryers at work, or just talking in general-which I happen to be REALLY good at! I gave my former voice coach a call this morning to give me some tips on what to do. She let me know that I have to rest my voice, like try not to talk, especially on the phone. What?? Me, not talk? Now that is a TALL order! What a lesson on taming my tongue!! Not only am I praying that God will heal my voice by the wedding but I have to do my part in this whole thing too!! Once again I find God pruning me through circumstances. This is going to be interesting!! Hey, at least I can blog!!! My fingers are still fine!

James 3:1-12
Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.

When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt[a] water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

Make New Friends (But Keep the Old)

2009-09-07T22:08:00.006-04:00

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new school year for the boys. Micah is going to a new school and starting 1st grade. He has been very quiet and not at all enthusiastic about this new venture. You see Micah likes to do what Micah wants to do. He enjoys playing with his little action figures and slapping around the puck in the garage and shooting hoops, but on his time, and when he wants to. He doesn't like being told what to do and how to do it. (And I just don't know where he gets that from!!!) The last few days I have been trying to encourage and excite his little spirit about school. He told me that he doesn't want to go because, and I quote, "It's going to be so boring! I'm just going to have to sit around all day and listen to the teacher!" And yes he is only six years old!!!

So tonight I was putting him to bed and asked him if there was anything he wanted me to pray about. He asked me to pray that he wouldn't get his "card flipped" (behavior program that he knows about because of his big bro. Jonah) and that he would make new friends. And after I prayed for him, he asked me,

"Mommy, what if I don't have time to make new friends?"

And I let him know that he would have the whole school year to make friends and assured him that he would see his other friends who are going to be in different classrooms, etc.

But his little statement really got me thinking... Micah's little six-year old mind is concerned about relationships. His heart is in the right spot. He wants to make time to make friends. And it's at the top of his prayer list, (right after getting into trouble that is).

And again one of my children have taught me a lesson. A priority lesson on what's important in this life. A biblical lesson on caring more about having time to create connections that lead to deep and intimate relationships instead of worrying about all I have to do and what I haven't done. A lesson on making some time to make new friends.

Last Bit O' Summer

2009-08-30T21:32:00.005-04:00

We had a great vacation! I am so thankful for blue skies and sunshine! One more week of summer left and I'm going to try to hold onto every bit of it!

Thankful in the Moment

2009-08-19T22:23:00.003-04:00

The beginning of this month marked the one year anniversary of my blog. Last August Joe was gone training in New Jersey for his new job for the entire month. I can't believe that it's been a whole year ago already that Joe had to miss our family vacation. This weekend we will be leaving again for our week up north, only this year Joe gets to go! Yeah! I have completely taken it for granted that we are all able to go up as a family. I have been too busy complaining to myself about how the weather is going to be chilly and thinking about how we are just staying in a rustic cottage on an inland lake instead of our luxurious condo on beautiful Lake Michigan that we usually stay in.

How easily I forget how good I have it until I am reminded of how much worse it could be. And my worst isn't even bad, you know? Last year I met a woman who lost her husband a few years ago. He died unexpectedly while getting a minor surgery. She was left with a young baby girl and two boys who are all now, twelve, nine and four. She works and is very involved in all of her kids activities. She has to take care of her house and yard and everything, completely alone. Who am I to even complain, ever?

Today I am thankful. Thankful for my sweet babies and my loving husband. Thankful for an opportunity to take a relaxing vacation with all of them. Thankful for today, because only God knows what tomorrow holds!

This Isn't What We Had Planned...

2009-07-20T22:32:00.005-04:00

Joe and I took the kids on a last-minute weekend getaway up north. I love it up there. I have been going to the same area every summer since I was 10 and Joe started coming up with my family when we were in high school. He absolutely loves it there too. Our boys definitely love going and Ayla is following in their footsteps. We enjoyed a couple of days at different beaches, exploring and looking for beloved Petoskey stones. Joe enjoys rock collecting almost more than the boys, I think. We ate good food and took in glorious sunsets. It was a much needed little trip.

On the car ride home, Joe and I started talking about how our life together has not turned out at all as we had anticipated it would. Not that it has turned out too shabby, just not what we expected. A lot of our plans that we had for ourselves and our children have pretty much crumbled to the ground. We always thought that we would have a cottage and take the kids up almost every weekend in the summer, spending our days exploring God's creation and our evenings singing songs around the campfire and roasting marshmallows. We wanted our kids to have a passion for music and the outdoors. We wanted to spend good quality time together, taking it easy and relaxing with each other as a family. We never wanted to run the rat-race of dragging our kids from one activity to another. We always wanted to sit down and eat dinner, all of us together, not scarfing down Happy Meals in the van with a DVD playing. I always said that I would NEVER be one of those crazy hockey moms!!

And here I am, not only a hockey mom, but a baseball mom and golf mom (is there even such a thing?). Joe and I definitely have a hectic, chaotic life together which is totally the opposite picture that we had in our minds before we had kids. And we are to blame. We are the ones who have signed up for this. Part of it is what feels comfortable. Joe grew up playing sports, that's what he knows. As a young married couple, we wanted to break the mold a little bit. Almost rebel, if you will, against the typical household in our city. But here we are running in our little wheel, trying to balance it all and by gosh, we aren't going to break a sweat, at least not enough for anyone else to notice. So we just keep trying to juggle it all, work, activities, commitments, obligations, sports, etc.

The question is, "Is this God's plan for our lives, or is it our plan?" Where does divine intervention intervene into our free will? Is this God's pre-chosen, pre-determined plan for my life and my family's lives or is it my doing? How did we end up here? I find myself reverting back to the Calvinistic doctrine that seems to have been taught to me most of my life and have to admit that I do think that our lives have been predestined to be where they are. If not, I am given way too much credit for choices and in that much more weight than I can bear. And I don't think that we are little pawns either, I'm not saying that. I just think that God's plan is much bigger than all of my little plans and He is going to do what He wants to, whether I'm on board or not. So maybe I should just stop questioning and jump on, even if it's not what I envisioned or much more chaotic than I would like!

Full Circle

2009-07-12T22:47:00.006-04:00

Last year was probably the absolute busiest and most stressful years that Joe and I have faced since we have been married. Where should I begin? Lets see, in March, Joe started coaching Jonah's hockey team (thankfully we had someone step up as manager, but he had never done it before and Joe ended up co-managing as well.). In the beginning of April, I quit my job and opened up a salon/spa with my family that was a work in progress for over a year and had to be kept "top-secret" so that my sister and I could retain our clients and not lose our previous jobs. (No stress there, really) In the beginning of June, we both felt led to start attending a new church and leave our place of worship that we had called home for the previous seven years. In that same month, Joe made the decision to take a new job with a new company. This new job would be closer to home and an awesome opportunity but he had to attend training in New Jersey for the whole month of August. On top of the daily challenges of parenting young children; taxiing them to their activities, breaking up fights, kissing skinned knees, helping with homework, giving baths, tucking in, and the never ending piles of laundry and endless crumbs under the kitchen table, Joe and I were both trying to adjust to our new jobs. I started working more than I ever had since before Jonah and I don't regret it but it was just a little chaotic to say the least.

So anyways, we were a little busy, a little hard-pressed, if you will...
And everyone's busy. And we chose to busy ourselves. We do that, don't we? So I'm not complaining, just trying to explain my rationale behind why I haven't been able to really get too involved in my new church. I tried a few times and felt God pulling me back to my family and focusing on them, especially my children as my ministry. Yet there has been this small gnawing in my spirit for the past several months. And it is so cool how God has pulled this whole thing full circle.

I have had a little place in my heart for school-aged children since I was a young adult. I have to say "little" because after working in a summer day camp for 6-12 year olds the summer after I graduated high school, I decided that I really didn't want to be a teacher and pursued a completely different career, hence the hairdresser I am today. And looking back, I know full well that God had His hand on me in that decision. But I love kids. I love the crazy things that fly out of their mouths. I love their sweet innocent faces and their inquisitive nature. And as a mother I have grown in learning how to deal with and reason with little ones, so much more than I ever could at the young age of 18. Besides working with soloists for the Christmas plays at our previous church, I really didn't lead young children. Joe and I taught the high school Sunday school class and were more involved with singing and worship. So this is just totally a God-thing that I have finally felt the confirmation to volunteer in the kids church program.

Today was my first day. I woke up at 6:00am and that is completely abnormal for me. I am not a morning person. I was up very late last night too so it was REALLY abnormal. I was nervous. I was excited. I was nervous. To make matters worse, Micah almost started to cry just as we were going in and told me that he did NOT want me to work in his class. I asked him why and he replied,

"It's just embarrassing Mom, to have you in there."

Go figure. After the jitters wore off I can honestly say that I felt so "at home". I just felt like God was re-confirming in me my decision. It's so true that you really feel blessed when serving. And I have to admit that I really enjoyed the lesson. But it wasn't until tonight as I tucked the boys in and we were talking all about what they had learned at church that the Holy Spirit confirmed in me how this was just what God was pulling me toward. I was so much more equipped to engage with them in the conversation. I was able to refresh their minds and share with them so much more than usual. And I just think that it is so cool how after feeling so led to focus on my children as my ministry that God has opened up this opportunity for me to serve them even more and my church body all at the same time. Our God is so good. He has brought me full circle with this and for that I am entirely grateful.

Proverbs 22:6 (NASV)
Train a child up in the way he should go,
Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

An American Soldier

2009-07-04T15:44:00.006-04:00